Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Birth

I remember it like it was yesterday.  Well, last week at least.   I'm still sleep deprived.

well, here's the short version:

6 lbs 11 onces. born at 11:54pm.  epidural AND a top up! From first contraction to birth - 28 hrs

The long version:

I went in on Sunday to have them gel me to ripen the cervix at 4:30pm...then went home.
Labour pains started at 8pm
Water broke at 11pm
Labour pains was every 4 minutes and lasting 1 minute long by 12:30. went to hospital
Was only 1 cm. They cannot admit until 3cm. walked around hospital for 2 hrs. Now only 1.5 cm. Went home
Tried to sleep and breath through the pain every 4 minutes.
Called in 7:30 am to hospital to confirm to come in for 8am inducement.
8:30 am at hospital
10 am epidural
Franklin is tired as shit and didn't do any dialysis the night before. He tries to sleep in the room.
He goes to get food from the caf.
He goes home at 2pm to do an Exchange (manual dialysis) and comes back.
He looks even worse. I'm still labouring on. He goes home at 8pm to do another Exchange.
At 8pm I am now at 6cm and they say it can start moving quite quickly now. Franklin's not back!!


My brother Alex comes to visit. He asks if I have a back up. He saw franklin and he doesn't look well. he's at home puking. Yikes!
Call Wendy (my ex-sister-in-law). He can't get a hold of her. double yikes!
Call Sila (Alex's girlfriend in Mississauga). Ask her if she wants to come, but, if Franklin comes back, he's my first choice.
Wendy and Sila both come. Alex is relieved cause he didn't want to come in, but would if I was by myself.
I get top up of Epidural cause I can start to feel the contractions and I don't want to wait until it really hurts and it's too late to get a top up.
11pm - Dr. says we are finally at 8 cm. We can wait a bit for the Epidural to wear off a bit. Nope!! let's try NOW! Ask the doc, if i'm a few minutes past midnight, can we fudge the birth certificate...nope.
All I remember is Wendy saying it's 11:15...11:30...11:45! 11:45! Wendy and Sila each hold a leg...I push...
Baby is born 11:54pm.



Call franklin....we have a son...waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

I remember walking in that morning asking the nurse to knock me out and wake me when we're done. the contractions all night were painful. but, now I can't even remember any of that. I just know I can't stop looking at him and am filled with so much love.



i go home on thurs. franklin is holding the baby and fell down the stairs on saturday morning. jesus!! thank god the baby is ok. franklin is on the ground screaming. he can't breath. i call 911. i pray he hasn't broken his
back. thank goodness there's no internal bleeding or anything broken. he's just super sore and can barely move. greaaaaaaat.

anyways, time for a feeding! and another diaper change....agaaaaaaaain.

ttyl!

Your Wish is My Command

On one's birthday you can have anything you want. For some its birthday weekend, then it turns into birthday week, and I've even seen some people celebrate their birth month!  The ridiculous.  The selfish.  The outrages.  It's all yours for the taking.

My wishes used to be a getaway.  Montreal was a favourite.  The cottage was a good one too.  And of course the end of summer jam would top it off.  A nice dinner had to be in there.  And a great gift.  Jewelry preferably.  Oh how easy the husband had it back then.  The wish list these days are a bit different.

Now, for my son, unless he will physically get hurt, almost anything goes.  A sprinkled donut, pop rock candy, root beer float, time with his Godfather, 3 books to bed, stay up past his bedtime, on top of the Medieval Times, Spidey cake, and tons of presents, over the weekend.  It was nice to have our loved ones call and wish him a happy birthday.  He was so happy.  He doesn't totally get the concept.  He kept singing happy birthday mommy.  LOL

If it is your birthday, ask for all that your heart's desire.  You only get that once a year without looking like a total selfish jerk.

Question:  Reader, please leave a comment and share what was the best/craziest/cheapest/most  expensive/weirdest/worse thing you got for your birthday.  Should be some laughs :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Should boys play with 'girl' toys or activities?

Companies buy commercial air time to be exposed to their target market for their product.  Well, watch any Treehouse or Disney TV and the commercials are mesmerizing.  I see my son's pupil dilate and the "I want that" begins.  Even for the Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

When I signed Marcus up for some extra activities to take him to while I'm on maternity leave, there was so much to choose from.  I wanted to choose just a few so he can be exposed to different activities and figure out what he likes, but not too many where it's hectic.  Ballet was one that I wanted to stick him in.  All the males in my family were not very supportive.  Not my father, husband, or brothers.  Jeeze.  A man who knows how to move on the dance floor is hawt, right?!

How about if he chooses to become a nurse?   Although giggles were had in "Meet the Fockers" where Greg is stigmatized for being a nurse and not a doctor  in the movie, I'm sure it's not that far off in real life.

Be it toys, activities, careers, I won't even get into dressing (the 80s was quite the mascara era for boys and girls alike), males seem to get the short end of the stick.  If a girl plays with 'boy' toys, then she's a tomboy, but if a boy plays with 'girl' toys he's called a sissy.

Not FAIR!

 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Religion in School Necessary? Is Private schools the only way to get smaller classes?

I am far from a "Bible Thumper", but I may sprinkle in some Merry Christmas, blessings, prayers, hope, etc here and there.  I think everyone has what they need to survive this wicked world.  But, how this foundation of enlightenment is established can start anywhere in this journey called Life.  For some it is through family, in jail, after a life threatening experience, rehab, school, work, etc  Be it God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Waheguru, Beer, The Wife, or whomever it is, that is your choice.

The Husband and I both went to Catholic elementary schools.  We talked about schooling for our son long ago.  We agreed to have him go to a Catholic elementary school and then he can choose for high school if he wished to go to public or catholic school.  For both of us, it reinforced our foundation of right and wrong, do unto others as you would like others to do unto you, 10 Commandments, and has left me with a bright light of hope during my darkest and loneliest hours.

But, in recent news, there will be a new school built within walking distance from our home.  Another path that both the husband and I walked during our young days.  Walking to school.  Coming home to a hot lunch.  I remember running home at 12pm, shoveling the food down within 10 minutes so I could hurry back to school, but my mom would never let us leave before 12:30.  I only appreciate it now, but I realize she was keeping us out of trouble.  She is so smart, my mom.  I want that for my son.   I want him to come home to a hot lunch.  I want him to be able to walk to school.  Unfortunately, the school will be a Public school.

Now, here is the dilemma.   Do we choose to have him close by and walk home for a hot lunch, but at a public school or drive/bus him to the Catholic school with daily drives home for lunch.  It will be challenging to have The Husband go pick him up everyday for lunch.  But, the foundation that our son will have for life would be worth it.  The argument could be made that we provide the religious foundation while he goes to Public school.  With Sunday school being the reinforcement.  Neither The Husband nor I went to Sunday school.  And I don't know if that will be enough.

Do we send him to a school that is convenient or to the one we feel will educate him on more than just ABCs and 123s?

And just to throw more options into a difficult decision, do we send him to a school near my parent's place so they could help pick him up/take him to school?  They will be watching my Baby 2 for half day and Franklin the other half.  So, it makes it convenient to drop everyone off there.  Not sure if they were going to pick him up for lunch.  We still have time to decide, but I just want to make sure I'm making the best choice for my son's future.  So, now I'll start analyzing like a mad woman.  Read Paralysis by Analysis post to see the inner workings of the gajillion thoughts that go into my decision-making.

ADDITION TO ORIGINAL POST: This is one bonus to writing electronically vs. print.  I can make edits after it has been published.  I wanted to add an argument to include Private schools.  For most of my readers, you may have noticed or read about the increased number of students in the classroom.  For those who currently have children in school do you sometimes feel like you are the after school program with the amount of homework they send home?  We never went to private school, but the idea of smaller classes, individual attention, better marks, and well behaved children sure sound attractive enough to pay their mortgage fees.  Ooops.  I mean their school fees which is equivalent to paying my mortgage.  But, even with the cost, as parents we always make sacrifices when necessary to provide a better future for our children.  Is this one of those necessary charges? or is it just a bubble world that is just all hype?  Montessori is the buzzword when it comes to sending your kids to school.   But, you have to be careful with that too!  Are they just charging Montessori prices, or are they practicing all the great techniques?  How would I know?

Your thoughts?  How did you choose your child's school?  Where did you go?  Did it make a difference to who you are today?

[polldaddy poll=4805822]

Spidey Pudding "Poke" Cake

I had a great suggestion from Jilly about a Jello "Poke" Cake.  That set me off to google and go through tons of sites and recipe ideas.

This is my version that I made for Marcus' birthday:

Ingredients:

1 box of Golden cake mix

1 box of chocolate instant pudding

1 tub of whipped cream

Steps:

  1. Make cake as per directions on the box

  2. After you pull it out of the oven poke holes 1-inch apart.  You can use the end of a wooden spoon, straw, thick end of a chop stick, to give you some ideas

  3. Only after the holes are poked, mix the pudding mix with 2-cups of milk until well blended.  Immediately pour over your cake filling the holes (it's ok for spillage all over the top of the cake.  we'll cover that up)

  4. Cover and put in fridge to have the pudding thicken.

  5. Take it out of the fridge,  uncover, and spread cool whip all over it.


Decorate:

Black rope licorice

Spiderman decal set from the Bulk Barn (or try the baking isle)

Gummy spider candy

  1. Make an X using the rope on the cake

  2. Make an + using the rope on the cake, now it should kind of look like a star/asterisk *

  3. Place rope with a little bit of a dip in between to straight ropes, Web created



  1. Add decals and spider candy




Marcus LOVED it!  Especially the Spidey decals and candy.  Everyone loved it.  Even my nieces who don't like pudding.

NOTE:

  • Don't take too long pouring the pudding into the cake, otherwise it will thicken and will not pour down the holes

  • Try different cake and pudding combinations

  • Instead of pudding you can use Jello

  • Mix some pudding into the cool whip before spreading

  • Make 2 packages of pudding to fill holes and spread over top of cake, then either top with whip cream or omit it

  • Playing around with contrasting colors can be fun too. Such as; white cake with chocolate pudding, chocolate cake with vanilla pudding or a real pretty one is white cake with pistachio pudding.


Original Recipe that I've seen several times during my research:

Pudding Poke Cake
1 pkg. (2 layer size) cake mix (white, yellow or chocolate)

Topping:

2 pkgs. (4 serving size) Jell-O chocolate instant pudding and pie filling (may also be creative with different flavors)

1/2 or 1 cup confectioners' sugar

4 cups cold milk

Prepare and bake cake mix as directed on package for 13x9 inch cake. Remove from oven. Poke holes at once down through cake to pan with round handle of wooden spoon (or poke holes with plastic drinking straw, using turning motion to make large holes.) Holes should be at 1 inch intervals. Only after the holes are made, combine pudding mix with sugar in large bowl. Gradually stir in milk. Beat with electric mixer at low speed for not more than 1 minute. Do not over beat. Quickly, before pudding thickens, pour about 1/2 of the thin pudding evenly over warm cake and into holes (This will make stripes in cake.) Allow remaining pudding to thicken slightly, then spoon over the top, swirling it to "frost" the cake. Chill at least 1 hour. Store cake in refrigerator. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Mommies United

I love reading everyone's comments.  I appreciate the time it takes to read, but to go the extra mile and put down some words to your reaction to my blog keeps me motivated.

Some particular comments have been from the other mommy's who read.  I may face some additional challenges when Franklin is not feeling well, but overall when it comes to our kids, i.e. growing up, diaper funnies, we all have been there.  It doesn't matter what race, religion, economics, city, or country you are from, as a mommy, you can relate to the night time feedings in their first few months of life, feeding them their first foods beyond milk, etc. Losing the baby weight hasn't been easy, but my Biggest Loser competition is helping.  We're even in our weekly pay offs but I'm down overall percentage and weight.  Yah me!

And for those who have found their life partner/husband/partner/best friend for life, I love reading your comments too!  When I blogged about chores, I love the comment on my FB that went something like "Finally, someone else who b!t3ches about this".  LOL  Nice to know I'm not the only one with a husband who slacks on chores at times.  In the early days of this blog I posted about Happy Wife Happy Life and I think it hit home for many of us in a committed relationship.

And for those who decide to go back to work because $$ is a necessary evil in this dual income society, it's not always so easy to decide.  My time is coming soon.  I enjoy my job and I have a supportive boss who acknowledges my 110% effort, positive attitude and extensive experience and skills.  (My modesty too! LOL)  With Marcus, I was able to do a gradual transition back.  A few days a week at reduced hours, then a couple more days at full hours, etc.  This helped big time!  It helped me to form my routine with getting everyone dressed, the separation anxiety for my baby and me (probably more me), and to face the Go Train (read that post for some laughs about the commuter's reality).

Through diapers, first foods, birthdays, losing the baby weight and maternity leave, you have read and shared the emotional roller coaster that is today's mommy.  Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day of working, cooking, cleaning, and child rearing.

We are amazing.


(We can do it ALL!)


 

Saturday, March 26, 2011

From Toddler to Little Man

My first born is growing into a little man.  As his birthday approaches I wonder what to do for his birthday.  Having watched all these crazy reality show about kid birthday parties, I know what I don't want.  We did a big dinner for his one month (tradition), but nothing big like that since.  We decided to do Medieval Times.  Swords.  Knights.  I sure hope he likes it.  With just immediate family we sit at 18 people.

It's bitter sweet having my son grow up.  Next thing he'll be going to school and I think I might either do a jig or die inside.   It's already choking me up sometimes to have a conversation with him.  To see his wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he trying to explain.  He's so smart.  Sometimes too smart.  He's into the "why" stage.  He's just trying to understand why things are the way the are.  But, when you get the 10,000th "why", I now understand where "because I said so" originated.

I still have moments where the light bulb flashes bright and I can't believe I'm a mom.  What happened to the days where I'd go dancing each weekend, meet random people, hit the casino on a while at midnight, follow the charity casinos to play black jack, shopping sprees, etc

I've traded it for diapers, sleepless nights, random hugs of unconditional love, hearing "mommy", teaching, etc

Not better or worse.  Just different.  I liked being childless and the carefree life it afforded.  But, I love having my children.  Even when it comes with the poo emergencies, the 5:30am shows, loads of laundry, etc

Now to bake his birthday cake.  Blow up balloons.  Arrange rides for some of the family.  Make loot bags.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sexting

Back in the day it used to be your sex tape that you had to worry would somehow leave your house.  I thought it to be the stupidest idea.  A sex tape.  Especially when the Pamela-Tommy tape mysteriously showed up and was being sold.  Hhmph.  "mysteriously".  They are a bunch of media whores, so I wouldn't put it past them to leak it to the public themselves.  If you want to see yourself 'in action', position yourself in front of a  mirror, is all I'm sayin'.

Now throw technology into the sexy mix and we've brought intimate moments that can be passed around in lightening speed.  Webcams.  Video Chat.  Picture Messaging.  Text Messaging.  Smart Phones.  Combine these technologies with your provocative thoughts and BAM - Sexting.  It is highly likely that this may one day fall into the wrong hands.  I was going to point out particularly to the non-married peoples, but married people have to worry too!  With divorce rates at 50%, you just never know.  And you teenagers.  I know you think you love your gf/bf and you'll be with them forever, but forever is not a lifetime anymore.  And if you don't break up, teenage hormones leave you with emotions that fluctuate quite rapidly.  Your once sexy boob shot to your bf is now fodder for all his buddies and is his revenge pic for the FB group he's started when he suspects you've been cheating just because you were talking to some other guy.

It was sexy text messages on Tiger Wood's phone that brought him down.  Everyone suffered for his ridiculous sexcapades.  His children, wife, marriage, mom, his game, and money (bye bye endorsements).  He had it all and it still wasn't enough.  ugghh....men.

The celebrities might get the press about their sexting, but it hurts the general masses too.  Ever snicker at some of your friend's message their bf sent them?  Yowza!  I never looked at him the same way after that.  Trust that it's working the other way too.  And with electronic images, your private parts can be out there forever.  And in this context, forever IS a life time.

And for my young teenage readers (I know there is at least one of you, Darling), those sexy pics are labeled child pornography.  You send it to your older bf and now he is in possession of child porn.  If he stupidly sends it to anyone else, i.e. check out my hot gf, then he will be charged with distributing child porn.  If he took the pic of you on his phone, that's one more charge of  creating child porn.  Sure you were consenting, but that doesn't make it right.  Please be smart.

It could be my paranoia, but I just don't feel safe if my sex were in any type of electronic form.  I think of it as a live show and for The Husbands eyes only.  Stop and think before you send those sexy messages and pics, is all I'm saying.

[polldaddy poll=4783721]

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Healthy Banana-Blueberry Muffins



As pretentious as I think Martha Stewart is, I have tried several of her recipes and 90% of them have been great.  So, below is one of them I tried yesterday.  I had a craving for banana muffins.  Not too sweet.  Not cakey.  This was good and as fairly healthy.  See my notes below to see my own touches.  So, if the bananas on your counter top are looking overripe, don't throw them out; they'll add even more flavor to these muffins.




  • Prep Time 20 minutes

  • Total Time 45 minutes plus cooling

  • Yield Makes 12



 

Ingredients




  • 1 cup whole-wheat flour (spooned and leveled)

  • 3/4 cup all-purpose flour, (spooned and leveled)

  • 1/4 cup wheat germ

  • 1 teaspoon baking soda

  • 1/2 teaspoon salt

  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature

  • 1/3 cup granulated sugar

  • 1/3 cup packed light-brown sugar

  • 2 large eggs

  • 2 ripe bananas (about 1 pound)

  • 1/3 cup reduced-fat (2 percent) milk

  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

  • 1 cup frozen blueberries





Directions




  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line a 12-cup muffin pan with paper liners. In a bowl, whisk together flours, wheat germ, baking soda, and salt.

  2. In a large bowl, beat butter and sugars with a mixer until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. In another bowl, mash bananas with a fork (you should have 3/4 cup); stir in milk and vanilla.

  3. With mixer on low, alternately add flour mixture and banana mixture to butter mixture, beginning and ending with flour mixture; mix just until combined. Fold in frozen blueberries.

  4. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean, 25 to 28 minutes, rotating pan halfway through. Let cool in pan 10 minutes; transfer muffins to a rack to cool 10 minutes more.



NOTES:



  • I used graham cracker crumbs since I didn't have wheat germ

  • Googled wheat germ substitute and this was an awesome answer for it "oatbran, it is granular like cornmeal, it is good to, flaxseed meal, even cornflake crumbs or graham wafer crumbs they are not only a binder but add some fiber to the cookies, cakes or breads, just remember they also absorb moisture, with molasses it is fine but a sugar based recipe requires a small amount of extra moisture, honey, molasses, glucose and brown sugar are what is known as hydreants, meaning they keep or absorb moisture from the air to keep thing moist for longer periods of time."

  • I did half with blueberries.  half with out.

  • I used fresh blueberries

  • I used 2 1/2 super ripe bananas and mashed to a little more than 1 cup

  • If you want to cut the fat even more, substitute half the butter with applesauce



Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Never Stop Learning

I had a great conversation with one of my Darlings.  She reads my blog and had some very insightful suggestions after reading my post about Private or Public instruction.  I respect her opinion.  Particularly about this since she has experienced both private and public schooling.  She has grown up to be a beautiful woman.  Beautiful both inside and out.  Both my Darlings are.  They are like my sisters/friends/daughters.  I am lucky to be their aunt.

Sometimes you will have an "uh-huh" moment with different people.  You just have to open your mind and keep your prejudices, assumptions, and misconceptions out.  Young.  Old.  Rich.  Poor.  Professional.  Skilled Tradesman.  They may not have experienced everything you have, but in the same breath, I'm sure you could say that you have not experienced everything they have.   Just because they are younger than you, their opinions and feelings count.  Don't be so foolish to dismiss their response so quickly.  And if they are older than you, there is a reason they say respect your elders.  They have lived longer than you and have seen more years of life than you have.  Don't dismiss their opinions as "they just don't get it".   They get it.  A lot more than you know.

I try to keep this in mind as a technical instructor working with adult learners.  Young or Old, they are there to improve their skills.  Sure some of them don't even know how to write a simple  query, right-click, or create a macro, but they bring other skills to the table.  Sometimes it's an attitude.  Like "I've been doing this job longer than you've been alive little girl".  Gotta love those gigs.

When my little boy started off his talk with "when I was a kid..." I laughed so loud.  I thought you were a kid, darling?  Right.  Right.  I mean, when I was a baby... Even kids that young can teach you something.  The innocence and unabashed honesty will keep you on your toes.  Don't dismiss them either.

Because no matter how old you are, you never stop learning (if you're smart).

Private or Public?

The suburbs are different to say the least.

Both The Husband and I grew up downtown (shout out to the peeps of S.L.A.P. & Blake).  We both went to Catholic & Public school.  We turned out fairly decent IMHO.

I took Marcus to one of his activities since The Husband is still recuperating and learning to canonize to do his dialysis since his line became infected while doing dialysis there during his hospital stay.  I chat with the other moms and find out there are a few within my area.  Perhaps a play date with all the kids in the warmer months?  We exchange email addresses and the such.  We start talking about the other activities our little ones are taking and the topic of private vs. public swimming lessons is brought into the discussion at length.

Some of the ridiculousness I heard was "Well, I'm going to pull her from gymnastics because it's not like she's going to become a gymnast."  Also from the same woman "I prefer to put her into private swimming lessons to help her reach that next level, you know".  The other mom nods.  She has also put her son into private swimming lessons and understands the lingo of the levels;  Starfish, Salamander, etc.  But, her son also has special needs, so I understand why it was paramount to have a low ratio for her son.

Maybe it's my downtown upbringing but, so what if she is not going to be a gymnast?? She's having FUN!  The private swimming lessons sound pretty good at first with a 1:3 ratio and sometimes it ends up as a 1:1.  But, with a price tag of $400 for TWO MONTHS, I don't think so.  I wanted to ask "is she going to be an Olympic swimmer?".  Too catty.  But, really.  I did have an earnest curiosity into her logic.  Why pull her from the gymnastics, but feel it was worth the cost for private swimming lessons rather than through the recreation centre?  Her kid is two btw :|  If I was a judgmental person, by the way she dresses, talks, and her shoulders droop in, she was a bit of a loser when she was younger and immature people would use such language to label people in such manner.  Now, she's trying to over compensate through her little girl.  That would be my observation you asked me to make a judgment call, is all I'm saying.

The rec. centre's up here are definately very big and very new compared to what we grew up with.  Am I being ghetto?  Is this the way it is up here in the 'burbs?  It is different.  And at times a bit intimidating.  Everyone wants to provide the best for their kids.  Nobody wants them to be held back from their full potential.  But, is giving them everything leading them to their full potential?  I see young teenagers with smart phones, ipods, tablets, etc.  I know they are not buying it on their own.  As parents, are they setting them up to a self entitled attitude or giving them an advantage to the latest technologies?  Not sure what choice I will make when my boys grow up.

Franklin and I talked about schools and such for our boys.  Private school seems to be the 'thang' up here.  Who doesn't go to Montessori?  I just want them to grow up to appreciate life and the creative hard work it takes to get the things you want in.  That includes the smart phone, ipods, tablets, car, etc.  I can't stand the way some of the youngsters feel so entitled to have the latest expensive gadget.  I understand part of the reason, if not the reason, is because everyone else has it.  We are not poor.  We can afford the trinkets.  But, I also had a job by 14.  Was working at Miracle Mart (anyone remember that grocery chain or am I dating myself?) as a cashier through high school.  Worked through University.  My parents gave me an allowance, but if I wanted more money I would get the standard "again?  I just gave you money!".  So, when I got a job I could spend it how I liked.  Fortunately, they taught me to save and budget with my allowance, so I had a good foundation.  Since I got paid each week, I was able to buy clothes each week.  FUN!  I remember Dad asking "You have so much clothes already.  Ask yourself next time you buy something, do you need it or want it?"  That has stuck with me even now.

[polldaddy poll=4772502]

Monday, March 21, 2011

Rumours

Rumours are sometimes like a game of Broken Telephone. Remember that game. The first player whispers something to the next player.  Each player successively whispers what that player believes he or she heard to the next. The last player announces the statement to the entire group.

I was chatting with an acquaintance to which I thought was just a casual conversation, but when she was a bit too eager to hear the 'juicy details', my b!t3h radar went BEEP BEEP BEEP!  You don't know me like that.  Trying to lean in close, speak barely above a whisper, and ask personal questions about a mutual friend.  If you are so interested in knowing, ask her yourself!  I tried to push her off politely and say "that's not really any of my business so I don't know".  The 'My Business" is YOU dumba$$!  Take a hint.  Jeeze.

But, isn't that how rumours get started.  They start off innocently enough through chatting.  Next thing you know, you are a two faced jerk who said so-and-so was doing this-and-that while wearing the ugliest everything.  If you really want to know what the dealio is, ASK THE PERSON!   And don't twist my words to pass the time with your idle gossip to the local hood rat.  And if someone is trying to drag you into the mud with them, ask yourself why are they asking/telling me this?  What do they have to gain?  Are they just starting drama?  Misery loves company, and they are always looking for people to join them.

If you are the one being talked about, my suggestion is to act like that Simpsons episode where all the advertisements come to life.   "Just don't look.  Just don't look."  lol  Do your THANG.  Live your life.  Dance like nobody's looking.  Haters are gonna hate.  You can't let them ruin your happiness.

As we become older, you would think this wouldn't effect us.  Not like when you are are teenager in high school.  But, ever sit around at lunch with some people at work and the only conversation they bring to the table is the b.s. about other people?   Or when you are on the GO Train/TTC and you stupidly forgot your ipod/mp3 player and your ears are assaulted with the gossipy clucks of a bunch of chicken heads?  Even church folk talk people's business.

I used to be friendly with a bunch a fun girls back in the day.  We had a falling out, but c'est la vie.  One thing I do remember is we don't talk sh!t about each other to each other.  If you have beef with someone in the group, then either keep it to yourself or go squash it with them.   Of course it's easier said then done.  A friend talked garbage about me.  Another friend told me.  I was suspect about everything she said and did after that.  Without trust, no type of relationship will survive.  Ours didn't.

I guess mom was right.  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.  I do caveate all my gossip with "I'm just sayin' " LOL

Rumours by Timex Social Club:

Look at all these rumors-running me everyday-
I just need some time-some time to get away from-
from all these rumors I can't take it no more-my best friend say did you
hear the one about me and the girl next door?-

(verse)
How do rumors get started?-they're started by the jealous people and- they
get mad about somthin' they had, now somebody else is holdin'- They tell
me that temptation is very hard to resist- these wicked women , oohh they
just persist- maybe you think it's cute , but girl I'm not impressed-I tell
you one time only with my business please don't mess--

(chorus)

Did you hear the one about susan?-some say she's much too loose- that
came  straight from a guy who claims he's drinkin' her juice- Did you hear the
one about Michael? - Some say he must be gay- I tried to argue but they said
if he were straight he would'nt move that way- Did you hear the one about
Tina? - some say she's just a tease- in a camisole she's six feet tall
she'll knock you to you knees..

(chorus)

I can't go no place without somebody pointin' a finger- I can't show my
face cuz when it comes to rumors I'm a dead ringer- I'll think I'll
write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill- the next time they catch
somebody started rumors-shoot to kill!--

(chorus)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Epidural

I recently read about a woman whom after three months of giving  birth she still cannot walk on her own will.  After 34-hrs of labour, they finally performed a C-section.  After some investigation, it was uncovered that she had a 'rough' C-section and a lot of nerves in her legs were damaged in the process.  A nightmare that is to last at least 1 year, so the hospital says.

I was lucky that I did not have to go through that.  Hopefully, not too many people will experience that at the hands of this butcher of a doctor who performed the procedure.

I did opt for an epidural when I had my kids.  At first, I had lofty dreams of a natural birth.  Although, I did put in my  birthing plan for them to give me the option of an epidural before it was too late to administer it.  Just in case.  I've heard 'horror' stories from other woman in my life that said it was too late to get it.  I am fairly tough.  I am not a crier.  And I have to be  hurt pretty bad to shed a tear.  But, the pain during the labour was just too much.  The first 15-hrs I didn't have anything.  But, after that, I was exhausted and couldn't bear the pain any longer.   Please give it to me Dr. Feelgood.  The nurse was like "who is this?".  I was like a completely different person.  After awhile though, I was feeling nauseous. I remember giving birth and then puking to the side right after.  While holding my son, I turned my head to puke.   The fact that The Husband missed the birth and all the drama that went along with it didn't help.  An interesting story.  Interested in hearing it?

The second time around, I asked for it as soon as I was at the front desk of the birthing centre.  Then again when I walked into the room.  I didn't want to endure 27-hrs like last time.  They finally called in Dr. Feelgood and I was hoping to get relief.  Well, he tapped in and I was still feeling pain.  They said it will take a few minutes, but I was still holding the bed railings and shaking in pain.  They called him back and he put some more.  I was still in pain, felt a rush of cold through my back and felt high.  He said he had to pull it out and try to reinsert the needle.  Looking back, I should have feared being paralyzed.  He pulled it and re-tapped my back.  The recovery was longer than the last time.  Coincidence?  I think not.

If that wasn't bad enough, they forgot to collect the cord blood for my second son.  While the baby was being weighed and it looked like the Dr. was starting to 'clean up', I asked about the cord blood collection.  He was all dear in the headlights and had no clue.  I couldn't f'ing believe it.  The fracking nurse left he kit off to the side.  They fumbled through the kit and tried to collect something.  anything.  I tried not to cry.  Just focus on the fact that I have a healthy baby.  I am alive.

Not everyone collects the cord blood, but we made a decision to invest in a cure.  I hope we never need it.  It's like insurance.  You pay and pay and pay.  And hope you never have to use it.  Plus with cloning, genetic manipulation, and the like, maybe it may save my husband's life.  A far stretch, but when you are staring in the face of a death sentence you look for a light of hope almost anywhere.  If they can clone a sheep or grow an ear on the back of a rat, it doesn't seem as far of a stretch as previously thought.  We still need a kidney from a live donor.

[polldaddy poll=4750552]

Friday, March 18, 2011

Three Kids - Truth Speak

Do I say this "out loud"?

If you read my Three Kids post last night, I talked about my insanity of wanting to have a third child.  Even when things don't make logical sense, making decisions is not always made with the brain.  The heart wants what it wants.

I want another child because I am selfish and afraid.  I do not want to be alone in my golden years.  I want to be surrounded by my husband and children.  As I pull my head out of the sand in the wee hours of the night and reflect on the weeks of struggle my husband is going through, I fear what future lies ahead in our golden years.  My biggest fear is that I am by myself in my 50's without my dear husband.  And it maybe more real than I want to admit to myself.  These complications the last few weeks breaths chills into my heart and flames my fears.

I wish for Franklin to live with me till our ripe old age, but if we poke the elephant that's in the room, it may not happen.  And that is why deep down I want another child.  It will be tough to have 3 kids under the age of 10, but all the hardships, tough days, and struggles will be worth having their hugs, smiles, and milestones experienced with my Husband.

I know if I tried to explain this to anyone in my family, they would 'shush' me and not to speak of such things.

I know I don't want to talk about it either.

[polldaddy poll=4750633]

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Fragment of Exposed Vulnerability




There's a heaviness in my chest

that suffocates each gasp of contentment.

It weighs down my soul

and drowns my reality into darkness.

It is only for a sliver of infinity,

but the emptiness engulfs a lifetime.

Open your heart and feel my vulnerable state.

Do you see my self-doubt, fear and inadequacy?

Once you were a ray of happiness

that radiated into my dungeon of despair.

Where are you?

Where are we?

Sadly, I'm not a warrior every second of this eternity.

There are fragments of exposed vulnerability.







There's a heaviness in my chest

that suffocates each gasp of contentment.

It weighs down my soul

and drowns my reality into darkness.

It is only for a sliver of infinity,

but the emptiness engulfs a lifetime.

Open your heart and feel my vulnerable state.

Do you see my self-doubt, fear and inadequacy?

Once you were a ray of happiness

that radiated into my dungeon of despair.

Where are you?

Where are we?

Sadly, I'm not a warrior every second of this eternity.

There are fragments of exposed vulnerability.



Three kids?!

I must be a total nutcase.  A glutton for punishment.  I would love to have a third child.

Life with a toddler and baby is challenging.  The sleep deprivation.  Food differences.  Laundry (mainly because of the amount of baby barf).  Trying to pack everyone up to go out takes at around an  hour.  Feeding.  Diapers.  Bucket car seat.  Diaper bag.  Snacks.  Cell phone.  I'm sure it could be done faster.  I just haven't mastered it yet I guess.  Any parents with kids would agree it can be tough at times.  Very much worth it when they say "thank you mommy".    or when they come out of no where and hug you and tell you they love you.  My heart melts each time I see him smile, when he gives me a high-five when he's proud of something he's done.  A house full of laughter and even sibling bickering (I'm sure I'll eat my words to that for sure) sounds like an awesome future.

I've always wanted three kids.  If I had to do this baby chapter in my life all over again, I wish I started a few years earlier.  I knew it was a lifetime commitment of sacrifice for their success and happiness.  No more ridiculous spending.  Those are all earmarked for their future.  I listed most of it in my Luxury, decadence, or just nasty? post.  I wasn't ready.  I still wanted to party.  Spend money frivolously.  Head out to the Casino on a whim.  We were living as DINKS and it was great.  But, as most woman can agree, the metaphorical internal clock was starting to DING! DONG! really loudly.

We were nervous at first.  When he started peritoneal dialysis years ago, the doctors said that dialysis could lead to infertility.  We froze sperm when we heard that.  Fortunately we didn't need it.  First try...is all I'm saying. :)  How so very blessed were we.   So many other dialysis patients are not as fortunate.  This fracking disease will steal your life, but also your future line too.  I hate kidney failure.

But, I digress.  I want a third child because I would love to have a little girl.  I love my boys.  They have each other to be friends with.  I knew I always wanted at least two.  Sadly, we will not be around forever.  So, I wanted to ensure someone will be around that will HAVE TO love you.  That is what family is all about.  LOL  I was able to reuse all of Boy 1's clothes on Boy 2.

Unfortunately, I did not start early enough.  To have a third child I considered higher risk.  That, and the glaring reality that Franklin would not be able to help as much as he would like.  If I find it tough when he's sick and dealing with my two boys, it would only be madness if I was to have another.  Yet, I still want to.  No one is on board with this idea.  Not my parents nor my husband.  My parents are not getting any younger.  They have been a main support system when I am at my darkest.  They help pick Franklin up from the hospital, watch my toddler, cook food - when I just had Baby 2, when Franklin is in the hospital, when Franklin gets out and she makes special nutritious Chinese soups, and just to talk.  My favourite brother also thinks it's an asinine idea.  I have my plate full as it is.

My mom was done having kids by the age I just started.  I also want to retire by 55, no later than 60, but really,  now would be good too.  I actually would love to have 4 kids, but would settle for 3.  But, is my fate to have only 2 be my reality?

Sadly, I think so.  But, I'll try to wear down Franklin and plant "Daddy's little girl" ideas.  mwhahaha

[polldaddy poll=4738099]

Monday, March 14, 2011

GO Train Rant

Bby 2's 5am ish wake up has become 6am ish with the Spring Forward daylight savings time rubbish.  I'll rant about the switcheroo pointlessness another time.   One 'good' thing about consistently waking up this early is I'll be somewhat conditioned to go back to the grind.  Work routine.  Or more specifically, The Commute.  agghhhh...

I am one of those Bay Street Rats who pack onto the GO Train day in and day out.   It's been a couple of years now, so I can officially understand what those people would complain about.  Before I would think "what are you whining about?!  You get air conditioning.  You have a better group of people compared to some of the wackos, rudey's, nasties, and teenage hooligans on the TTC.  You have a seat without someone's a$$ or crotch in your face.  You're not jostled every couple of minutes at each stop with tons of people getting on and off." and so much more.

I always wondered why people were running and pushing people out of their way when trying to catch their train.  Because if you don't, you might have to wait 30-60 minutes for your next train! Now, when the commute is already 40-60 minutes, that means a long day is just too long.  And when you have kids at a daycare/babysitter's that means money.  $5 a minute!

Also, I HATE when people have their bags or feet on the seat.  I hear this complaint a lot, yet so many people do it.  Did your freakin' bag pay the $6 to enjoy a seat to itself while I walk through train car after car to find a seat?  Or perhaps you were raised with no class or manners that you think it is ok to put your dirty shoes on the seat in front of you.  I wear light coloured clothes in the summer time and when I saw a dirty mark on my dress after sitting on one of those seats I was livid!  Dirty Mother Fukcers!  I get it.  It's a long ride and when no one is sitting with you, you want to stretch out.  Then stretch out with your feet in front, but not on the seat.  If you feel it necessary to do so, then put it on the plastic part that separates the seats.  I'm not even sure what to say to you people who take OFF your shoes and put them on the seat.  Thanks?!  At least you don't have your dirty shoes there, but come on.  When I get a waft of feet hitting my nostrils I want to gag and then beat you over the head with my purse!  This is not your living room.  I know you spend enough time on this thing each week that you think it is like home, but show some respect to others and for yourself.  Jeeze.

Since I'm ranting about seats, lets keep it going.  How about the self-entitled people who think it is ok to save a seat for their friend.  Or worse, save 3 seats!  Sorry your friend is slow as molasses getting here, but the seats are limited and I am not standing for 40 minutes until the train thins out to get a seat.  Tell their a$$ to hurry the F up or YOU ALL can stand together if you are so concerned with being all together during the commute home.  I went to sit down once and this chick has the nerve to say "I'm saving that for a friend".  There are other seats I guess.  But, why should I go looking around because of your slow friend and your b.s.?!  I paid my fare.  I'm here early enough to get a seat (see running and tackling above).  I want a seat without all the attitude and stink eye.

After a long day I DO NOT want to hear you b!t3h about your job for the entire ride home.  You just spent all day at your job, do you really want to live work stuff a minute longer when your are not even 'on the clock'.  Get paid to stress about work.  Otherwise, let it go.  Start to unwind and unplug from work life and start enjoying your quiet time before you get home.  And for me, it's home to kids, husband, and dinner.  Most of the time that's awesome, but there are days where I just want to stay on past my stop and have it pull into an already made dinner with kids that are asleep and a hot bath is waiting.  But, getting the exciting "Mommy! Mommy!" and kisses hello from my boys has me running for my train and getting off at the right stop each time.  People who talk too loud to each other or on the phone need a dedicated car for themselves.  If that's your thang then groovy for you, but be considerate to others around you.  This is not your living room or local bar where you all are catching up over a pint.

Make-up people.  Not sure what to say about you.  Because sometimes I have to say it to myself too.  This is not your bathroom.  Wake up 5 minutes earlier and put your face on at home.  I see you pull out your make-up bag and it is quite the regime.  Concealer. Powder. Eyebrows. Eye Shadow. Lip liner. Lipstick/gloss.

The GO Train parking lot is another area that needs a beating stick.  Let a car in.  Take turns. You were let in, now pay it forward.  Karma people.  Try not to run people over.  It's a fracking parking lot.  You shouldn't be speeding in there.  You save yourself maybe 10 minutes??  Is it worth the extra stress and road rage?  I bet your blood pressue doesn't think so, nor the people you cut off.

The newspaper mess is just unacceptable.  It's great getting a free paper to read the headlines, shout outs, do the soduko, and read your horoscope.  Now, just remember to bring it with you OFF the train you lazy mofos!  There are recycling bins at every stop.  Why should someone clean up your mess?!  When I see someone reading their paper, particularly the star, although all papers are guilty, and throw section by section under their seat, then NOT pick it up after, really pisses me off.  Why should I sit surrounded by your laziness?!

I wish I could sleep like some of you.  Although, at the same time I am glad that I can't.  I'd hate to be one of those mouth open, drooling, or snoring loudly type sleepers that is on the GO.  I always have something to keep my mind off the 100's of things that usually repeat themselves that usually leave me stressed.  Tons of choices - MP3 player to listen to some vibe.  Either to get me pumped, relax, reflect on how life was during that time when the song was a hit, etc;  Watch a movie/show on the small screen; DS with my R4 so I have tons of games to choose from. My brain age is 20 btw;  A book/magazine; Free newspaper; Something.  If I don't have anything, which sometimes happens because I'm bad at keeping things charged, it's a long ride.  Although, I try to close my eyes and meditate.  Definitely, not my strength.

But, as my silver lining is, at least I don't have to take a commuter train in Japan or India.





[polldaddy poll=4716210]

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dialysis at Sea - Possible?!?

It's not just for retirees anymore.  Cruises cater to just about anyone.  Even those who require dialysis.  Dialysis at Sea cruises offers dialysis on regular cruises.  Their space is limited as they limit any sailing to a maximum of 12 patients per sailing.  The cruise would be perfect to experience with him.   And the dialysis is right on the ship so he wouldn't have to travel anywhere like we did when we went to Bahamas.

The Bahamas trip was the first time in ever that we did dialysis outside of our home/hospital.  It was a bit pricier compared to some other all  inclusive Caribbean vacation spots, but if we heard it had a good dialysis clinic that was clean from another dialysis patient.  My family also made the sacrifice at the higher price so that Franklin could come.  I was pregnant.  All my immediate family went.  Parents, brothers and their family crew.  16 of us in total.  It was a dream vacation.  My family was there to help me with my toddler.  My favourite brother went with Franklin twice and my dad once to do the dialysis clinic.  Franklin said no one had to come, but as my favourite brother said, if shit was to happen, you need someone there with you.  They sacrificed hours out of their vacation so he wouldn't be by himself.  Especially my favourite brother.  He had S, J, and J with him, but he still went.  Man, I love my favourite brother.   Always there for us.  Always willing to sacrifice without being asked.  Never makes a big deal about it.  We are so lucky to have him.

It's just in addition to typical vacation costs anyone would incur, we have to add dialysis costs.  To the tune of ~$1800.   Can we afford it.  Not really.  But this past few weeks was reality check I needed.  Money will not keep me happy.  The experience with my boys and the memories will.   I keep my head in the sand and keep waiting, but I just don't know how things will be next year.  I wished we did the big wedding and vacationed more during the four years he had the transplanted kidney from his generous brother.  He offered the gift of life as soon as he found out Franklin needed one.  We didn't even have to ask.  How amazingly generous is he?!?

No one knows if they will be around next year.  You could get hit by a truck!  I try to Live Life as much as I can.  And so should YOU!

Now to start planning and budgeting as much as we can.  Europe, Caribbean, East? West?

[polldaddy poll=4707081]

Friday, March 11, 2011

Not Again - Update

It seems as though Franklin made the right choice.  Seems as though..

They immediately do an x-ray, draw blood for testing, do 2-hrs of dialysis using his fistula instead of his line.  He has a bit of trouble breathing.  His left lung has some noise.  Possibility of pneumonia, infection of the dialysis line (which is really scary because it is connected directly to his heart).  They give him antibiotics through his dialysis line.  They say he should have come earlier.   Hopefully, it's still early enough.

The doctor immediately stops use of his dialysis line.  He must use his fistula to do dialysis.  It is his worst nightmare.  He was 'warming up' to the idea of sticking himself with needles to do his dialysis.  He wanted to do it on his terms.  He must  get trained all over again using this method of connection.  Drives.  Early mornings.  Instead of a gentle 8-hr dialysis session to remove the toxins, potassium, phosphates, and liquid, he has 4-hr sessions every other day.  This is harsher on the body.  The electrolyte levels, etc are all wacked out.  In 1 week instead of getting 40-hrs, he will be getting 12-hrs.  I'm sure there are more rough roads ahead.  But, once we get back on track it WILL get better.  It has to.  Lord give him strength to get through it all.  and me & the kids too!

Last night was pretty brutal.  He's freezing with 3 comforters on him while sweating.   Then he's too hot.  In between he's throwing up (who knows what since he hasn't eaten much in days).  He's moaning.  He has a fever of 38.8-40 degrees Celsius all night.  Between him and the kids I try not feel overwhelmed and just focus making sure to get everyone taken care of.  I wrap him in blankets.  Leave water by his bed.  Feed and bath the boys.  Rub Franklin's back.  Throw away the garbage bag and replace with a fresh barf bag.  Put baby 2 to sleep.  Brush teeth and read books with baby 1.  Get a refill of drinkage for The Husband.  Put baby 2 back to sleep.  New barf bag.  I'm exhausted.  Mentally and physically.

You would think I would just collapse asleep when all my boys are finally sleeping and the house is quiet.  I can't.  I read my book (love to read before I go to bed).  My eyes are tired, but I love the break my mind gets.  I am living this woman's life as I read chapter after chapter.  It's not exceptional, but I like the basis.  A city mom who owns her own advertising business and rides a motorcycle, moves to the burbs to be closer to her ill mother and elderly father.  She is the odd mom out amongst the cliquey full-time mommies who wear sweater sets.  I once was the city mom.  Not that I care so much about being accepted, but the idea of switching from city life to suburb life.  Assessing what you want out of life.  Putting your parents needs before your own.

The day starts at 5am.  But I read what's happened in Japan.  Reality check.  We are alive.  Pray for them.

Read the previous post Not Again to find out what this update is updating.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Not again

Here we go again.  Sadly.

I thought it was because he was on the mend.  But within 3 days things were just deteriorating.   The first day we figured it was because he hadn't eaten i  5 days.  But even after only 1/2 bowl of broth, he would be hurting.

Do we go.  Don't we go.  I wait for him to let me know.  This morning he let me know.  The ambulance will only take him to the closest one.  And after 15-hr wait the last time, Franklin didn't want that as an option.  He's in pain.  Hasn't dialysized properly in days, and has fever.  We call the Home Hemo clinic and speak to his amazing nurse Stella.  Based on her assessment, it sounds like he has an infection.  He should come down there.

My parents have taken my toddler out on their errands, so I should at least be thankful he doesn't have to see the ambulance people and all their equipment.   Everyone else is at work or school.  Franklin refuses the ambulance and we call a cab.  $75 for calling the ambulance.  $100 for the cab (one way).  Who cares about the money, but it is on the back of my mind as we reach mid-month and bills are waiting.  Mat-leave money is not the lottery.  I'm thankful I even get anything and be able to breastfeed my baby to give him the best healthy start.

It's a limo taxi that comes.  How rich.  You take what comes out here in the sticks.  I feel helpless again.  In so many ways.  I am exhausted with my 5am wake up as usual and should nap because I'm physically exhausted and I want to escape reality, if only for 20 minutes, but the mind won't STFU.  So, I blog.  And I pray.

I pray that he is safe.  He will get better.  That the Lord will work through the doctors/nurses hands to ensure his life.  An infection to a healthy person is a few days sick.  I don't want to think what this may result in.  It can only be positive.  He WILL come home.  He WILL get better.

He needs to.  I need him.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Balancing - Final Act (He's Home)

After a crazy 5 days documented in my Balancing series, Franklin is back home.

I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and love.  I appreciate you reading our journey and trying to understand someone of the ups and downs that is our lives.

He was finally discharged.  Not 100%, but at least he's not on morphine and can recoup at home.  Don't get me wrong.  I love that he is home.  It has been an empty shell at home in the house and in my heart.  But, when I wake up at 5:30am with baby 2, then baby 1 wakes up at 7am, having Franklin wake me to rub his back at 1am is just frustrating.  The first night, I guess I'm just so grateful he's home and I don't mind.  But by the second night I'm telling him to go sit in the Shiatsu Massage chair.

It doesn't help that just before this episode he fell hard twice on the ice and banged up his elbow.  He had to be assisted off the ice.   We went to the hospital for x-rays.  It was so swollen his elbow looked disfigured.  Plus it was the arm that has his fistula, so I wanted to ensure that his life saving vein was still working and not ruptured or anything.  Then it was 1.5 weeks of "my arm...moan....".

Before the elbow episode The Husband stepped off the porch, missed the step while carrying baby 2 in his bucket car seat, and landed on his ankle.  As I was strapping in our toddler all I hear is "THUD! FUKC!!!".  I turn around to see the car seat safely on the ground and Franklin walking around swearing.  Baby 2 is crying.  Franklin is swearing.  Our toddler is yelling at Franklin "Language Daddy! Language Daddy!".  I get into triage mind-set.   Assess the situation.  Tend to the most injured.  Check on baby 2.  Open door for Husband.  Go get Toddler.  Now, off to another trip to the hospital.  Another couple of weeks he needed to recoup.

The laundry piles.  The groceries dwindle.  The house could be more tidy.  But, those things will get done eventually. You don't want to stress over it, but it's the one thing you do have control over and it's not getting done.  His pain I can't do anything about.  So household b.s. sits on my shoulders because at least I can do something about it.  Watching my man in pain leaves me feeling helpless and useless.  Silly.  Probably.  But, I think we strive to control the things we can and roll with the punches with the things we can't.  There's so much that I can't control in our lives, I guess I over compensate with the things I think I have control over.

My husband is resilient.  When he is on a good day, he is so happy, filled with jokes, and a great guy.  He still wants to go skating.  He still faces each day.  I love him.

Bad things happen in threes.  So hopefully, we have had our share and are set for good times ahead.

Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.


Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

[polldaddy poll=4688007]

Homemade Play Dough (aka playdoh, plasticine)

The benefits of having your kids play with play dough is huge!  They can play baker/scientist while you make it together, use their imagination, practice their dexterity, and create art, just to name a few.

Make it yourself and ensure it is nontoxic.  You know they might eat some, have it all over their hands, etc

Ingredients:

3 1/2 cup white flour
1/2 cup salt
2 tablespoon cream of tartar (find it in the spice section)
1/3 cup oil
2 cups boiling water
food coloring or powder drink mix (i.e. kool aid)

  1. Mix flour, salt, and cream of tartar together in a big bowl

  2. Add oil

  3. Add food colouring or powder drink mix to boiling water and mix

  4. Add coloured water to flour mixture

  5. Knead dough


Play dough will keep for a long time stored in a covered plastic container or plastic sandwich bag.

Note:

  • I like using powder drink mix because it gives it colour and a fruity smell

  • Add additional smells by adding vanilla, lemon, etc oils (could try extract if you don't have oils)

  • Try using rose water

  • make several colours of play dough by omitting the colour to the water when following the recipe.  Then separate the dough into several bowls and add food colouring drops to each bowl.  And kneed dough to blend colour throughout


Art ideas:

  • Roll out dough and use cookie cutters to cut out fun shapes.  Add glitter like sprinkles on a cookie!

  • Easy: Leave out your sculptures/cookie cutouts to dry and harden (can take a couple of days to weeks depending on size and thickness).  Paint it.  Glue stuff on, etc.  It can crack, colour fades, etc

  • If you have a special ornament/sculpture/etc preserve it with these steps

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bald Baby - Do we do it?

Not sure if it's a Chinese thing or not, but the myth goes that if you shave your young baby's hair they will be left with thick beautiful hair as they grow up, particularly when they are older.

It's probably more myth than fact.  Genetics would decide your likelihood of thin hair.  But, since almost everyone in my family does it or has had it done to them, it seems like it's fact.  One of my nieces had very thin hair when she was a baby.  We were all 'concerned'.  Her sister wasn't like that.  We all have thick hair.  It was decided to shave her head.  She now has thick hair (she's a teen).  Coincidence?  Hmmm...

We shaved our elder son's hair.  It is quite thick.  My Husband's hair is also thick.  My hair is fairly thick too.  But, not all uncles on my side have thick hair.  They say baldness is dictated from the mother's side. Yikes!  We are going to shave Baby 2's head too.  I have decided.  Now, just to get The Husband on board.

I once lost all of my hair.  Had to wear a wig.  Had to get steroid injections to my head.  I bought a really cute short blond bob cut wig.  Hell, if I had to wear one, might as well have fun with it.  It was 10 years ago.  I was running my own business, I was working full-time, Franklin was in the hospital to have the surgery so he could do peritoneal dialysis and I was visiting him every day.  The schedule was something like this - wake up to do my business. Go  to work. Visit Franklin. Go home to do more business stuff.  All the while worrying about my Darling.  It was a crazy time.   Even though I felt I could do it all, my body felt otherwise.  Even though I was emotionally and physically drained, I really thought I could keep doing it for longer.  I found out when I went to a hair cut and high lights (a girl still has to look good you know.  Wish I was still so 'selfish' about my looks now!).  The hairdresser found a circular bald batch on the left side of my head.  It was a little bigger than a quarter.  She suggested I hold off on the highlights until I found out what was happening.  Good idea.

I was referred to a dermatologist.  At first the receptionist said they were fully booked.  I pleaded.  Please, I am a young woman in my early 20s.  Do you know how important hair is to feeling like a 'normal' woman?  She squeezed me in.  First it was creams.  Then when that didn't work, came the steroid needles to the scalp.  Little pricks.  But, many of them.  In the interim I was also seeing an Acupuncturist and boiling Chinese herbs.  I was doing any song and dance it would take to get my hair back.  Little do you realize what defines a woman.  Her hair and her boobs.  Superficial?  Yes.  But, when people look at you, that's the two things that define them.

My body was obviously saying something had to give.  And if I wasn't going to make life changes, it was my hair that was going to 'give'.  Franklin was back home.  I decided to let go of my business.  My hair started to grow back.  Who knows which reason it grew back.  Was it the steroids shots to the scalp?  The acupuncture?  The Chinese herbal soups? or letting go some of the responsibilities and stress?

Your body needs rest to repair itself.  Stress is a killer to happiness and the body.  Recognize when you are taking on too much and ask for help.  I am still learning to 'master' that.  You would think after so much I would know it by now.  But, this is part of the reason I blog.  I do read past posts and people's comments.  I want to remember when I remember to take care of myself, when I forget to put myself on the list of priorities of things/people to take care of.  Also, not to always put me at the bottom of the list either.

It's funny.  I just re-read this blog post, and it initially started off with my idea of shaving baby 2's head.  How did it end up with a note to myself to take care?  The path and emotional journey that expressing yourself through writing will take you is one of self discovery sometimes.

Try it.

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Sunday, March 6, 2011

Biggest Loser - Winning!

I'm not as swift to update my loses as I am my winnings.

Well, I lost last week.  I gained a pound.  He lost three pounds.

I won this week.  I lost two pounds.  He gained three pounds.

I have cheated.  Eat too late at night.  Had dirty bird (KFC).  Double-double coffee.  Missed my once-a-week Zumba session.  Haven't rowed since the last time.  Eat when I'm not hungry.   Keep eating even though I'm full.  That's why it's up and down.  I'm not consistent with my workouts nor my eating habits.  And it shows on the scale.

I am exactly down 10-lbs.  So, it works out about a pound a week.  I'm sure it could be more.  Ah well.  Slow and steady wins the race right?  I can only hope that my brother's wife keeps making cakes. LOL.

Help or Burden?

My parents, Marcus' Godmother, my nieces, and my favourite brother (also, Marcus' Godfather) are my go-to people when I need help.  They are there for us every time.  I trust them completely with my children.  I know they love them and us completely.

I feel so guilty asking for their help each time Franklin has a hospital stay.  The last one was in October last year.  So, it is fairly often.  Often enough at least.  Watching my kids for hours, day after day, or giving me drives, or picking Franklin up and driving him all the way home, visiting him in the hospital, including our family in their prayer groups, grocery shopping, feeding us, listening, and loving.  The list is so much longer, but it hurts to say it all.  Hurts, because I feel so ....guilty?  I have to impose on them time and time again.  And during the 10+years it's added up to a life time of payback I could never repay.  I hate asking for help, but when Franklin's not feeling well I have to....again and again.  I hate being a hindrance to their daily lives.  I hate being an encumbrance each time I call for help.

I know they love us.  They want to be there for us.  They will help us if they can.  No strings attached.  They have NEVER said or done anything to make me question their unconditional help.  But, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop they sigh when I call again for help.  I can only do as much as I can on my own so I don't harass them more than necessary.  Because our reality is that necessary will come again.

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All of these emotions are stemming from the following saga, starting with Balance between Husband and Children.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Balance Act III

The plan was to stay home.  Do 5 loads of laundry, wash dishes, bake cookies with The Boy, take a nap, and watch movies.  It started out o.k.  Both kiddies slept in 1-hr longer than usual.  They're tired too from all this.  I call to check how The Husband is doing.   Did he get dialysis?  The nurse's response was "weren't you here yesterday?".  What?!?  That set me off!  I still try to stay calm and explain that I was told in the morning he would be going in the afternoon, but he still hadn't received any when I left late afternoon.  A curt "yes, he got it" was her response.  Also,  Franklin pulled out one of the tubes. WTF??  Why?!  This b!t3h wasn't explaining anything.

I didn't want to bother W again considering everything she and my nieces have done for me.  Niecey had plans today.  But, fearing the worst I had to get down there.  I would bring the baby in with me if I had to.  I call W to ask her to drive down with me again.  As much as I hate to burden her again and the guilt I feel, I put that all aside because I need to find out what's happening to my Darling!  I woke her up (add another lbs of guilt) and explain the situation.  I start crying.  I am afraid of not knowing and thinking the worst.

She is a pillar of strength.  She calms me down.  Helps me line up what I need to get done so I can get going.  Feed baby.  Pump milk.  Dress children.  Arrange Marcus care.  Did I eat?  I wouldn't have even thought of that to even be put on the list!  I am determined to get going.

I pack up the car and drive over to get W.  I am ready to tear someone up!  If anything has happened to my Darling the poor person who has to explain it to me will feel my wrath.  Don't get it twisted.  I may live in the suburbs now, but I done grow up downtown.   I am angry and someone will pay.

To my surprise Niecey has canceled her plans and coming with us (add more lbs of guilt and burden).  I push all my emotions of guilt, burden, fear, and anger aside.  None of those emotions are helping matters.  I feel empty.

As we drive down Franklin calls.  His mom is there.  He is o.k.  He didn't even know he pulled out the tube.  It's been put back.  The journey to recovery continues.

I feel emotionally drained.

Balancing Act II

No Zumba. No Swimming lessons.  But at least I was going to go see him.  All thanks to the time, generosity, kindness, patience, and unconditional love of Marcus' Godmother (W) and my parents.  My parents would watch my toddler while  W. would drive me down to see The Husband and wait in the car with the baby.  I was able to have it all.  See my husband in the hospital and not have the kids exposed to any germs at the hospital.

I had told one of his brothers that he was there and fortunately met him in the hall.  We talked with Franklin about telling his mom.  We chatted and joked it up a bit.  It didn't help that one of the 'roommates' had the t.v. on as if they were in their own living room.  Get a headset or turn it down!  Jeeze.  Also, he was still hadn't gone for dialysis.  I tried to get him a semi-private, asked the nurses to help us defuse the issue with the roommate (since Frankie 'yelled' at them him the night before), and went to get him some drinkage (no food allowed.  he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night!).  Text comes in "baby's starting to melt down".  I have to leave.  Balance.

Off to my weekly family dinner.   Home cooked meal.  Hang with the fam.  I call and tell his mom.  She is thankful that I told her.  I am lucky to have such a great mother-in-law.  She has her 'annoying' bits, but who doesn't?  It's a 'good' day.  Well, good as it's going to get.  When I go home, my brother offers to drive  me and my car home.  I say "it's ok.  I've been doing it".   He had the best answer "I know you have, but now you don't have to".

Read about the next day with Balance Act III post.

Or read how it all started with Balance between Husband and Children post.

I told his Mom

Friday, March 4, 2011

Balance between Husband and Children

The kids will win 99.9% of the time.  But, it breaks my heart to do it.

Franklin woke me at 5am.  "Babe, I'm in pain".  Oh no.  It was his day off of doing dialysis treatment (he gets two days off a week because his job is keeping himself alive with proper treatment).  I call the ambulance and the roller coaster ride begins.

I leave the kids with my parents for 5-hrs.  Then leave them with their Godmother for another 5-hrs.  Franklin is at Emerg at the hospital up here for 15-hrs before they transfer him to the proper hospital.  They have blinders on as soon as they hear dialysis.  "We do not provide treatment for that here".  No $h!t Sherlock!  Treat the issue while you make arrangements to get him dialysis at the right hospital.  Instead, it takes 8- hrs to finally get the go-ahead to transfer him to the right hospital, all the while only taking 1 x-ray and keep him pumped with narcotics for the pain.  It takes another 7-hrs to finally transfer him.  Note:  Since it took so long, the dialysis treatment centre at the hospital is closed for the night and he will now be 2-days without treatment.  Toxins, liquid level, and blood pressure  is on the rise.  His face, belly, and hands are already puffy.

I  have been popping in and out a couple of times to feed my 5-month old and to transfer him between caretakers.  He's not taking to the bottled breast milk that I've pumped which isn't much since I haven't pumped on the regular since the first month when I wanted Franklin to try to do some feedings.  I keep telling myself to keep an emergency supply in the freezer.  sigh.  When I finally pick up the kids, both my loving ad indispensable go-to offer to take care of my toddler tomorrow if I need a break.  My poor baby was crying a lot and very loudly with both of them.

I need to be there for m husband.  To speak for him since he is on morphine every two hours.  To rub his back with my reassuring touch.  To feed him ice chips since he can't have food, hasn't had food in a couple of days, and he drank half a bottle of iced tea in one long gulp he was so thirsty.

But, how can I be there for him?  Bring my 5-month old to spend hours at the hospital?  Every instinct says (and everyone else also) it is not a good idea to do that.  I agree.  Especially when I was with him at Emergency and saw 3 rooms where anyone entering the room had to put on a mask, gown, and gloves to enter.  Even the food server!  What kind of airborne stuff do they have?!  As a healthy adult, I might be o.k. but, I just cannot risk that with my baby.   Or can I?

I am torn.  It physically hurts to think of my husband drugged up at the hospital on his own.  But, I just can't bring the baby down there.  Baby wins.  But, really, there are no winners here.  We all pay the price of this horrible kidney failure.

I am afraid.  My uncle passed away several months ago very quickly (1 week!) when he went to the hospital.  He also had kidney disease.  Franklin has been in hospital many times, but this time with new baby, uncle's recent death, and my 5am wake ups (with no naps during the day) for the last few weeks, I broke down and cried a bit.  Sobbed actually.  Red rimmed eyeballs, puffy lids, snot drippings, just a plain mess.

I've been sticking my head in the ground and refuse to acknowledge the death sentence we are living.  Without dialysis he will die.  It is slowly killing him too.  The very thing that is saving him is killing him.   I live in my bubble and pretend he will be here forever and we will share our golden years exploring the next chapter in our lives.  It's the only way I know how to survive each day for the last 10+ years.   But, right now with him in the hospital alone feels too bright and harsh.  Too real.  I want him home and I want to stick my head in the sand again.  Ignorance is bliss.

Do I tell his mother?  He says no.  She will be upset.  If I tell, he gets mad.  If I don't tell she gets mad.  This is not the first time I haven't told her of his hospital stay.  I know as a mother I would want to know.  But, what do I do as a wife?

I hate incompetent, cold-hearted medical "professionals", bureaucracy,  shortage of beds in hospitals, and most of all Kidney Disease.

This sucks.

See the next day in Balance Act II

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Work Spouse

You can have opposite sex work friends, but you need limits to keep the friendship appropriate.

Sharing issues about your marriage/relationship to your work husband/wife can just lead to trouble.  You are better served by sharing your feelings with your REAL husband/wife and communicating with each other.  I'm not a total idiot.  Sometimes this 'sharing' just leads to more fighting.  Well, that's what girlfriends/the guys are for.  When you spend 40+ hours with this co-worker, which is probably more time than you spend with anyone else outside of your husband and kids, you need to have boundaries to keep all your relationships healthy.  If you are confiding your fears and dreams to your work spouse that you wouldn't with you spouse, than you are having an emotional affair.   Which can lead to a slippery slope of a physical affair.

Unfortunately, there are skanks and dirtbags out there that solely look out for the 'taken' man/woman.  There are famous home-wreckers.  Angelina Jolie is the first one that comes to mind.   I agree that Jolie and Pitt seem happier than when Brad was married to Jennifer Anistan.  But, if you are married, then you made a commitment to each other to work through all your issues.  If you are attracted to another person other than your spouse, than you should stay away from them!  Do not go for lunch and think it will not go anywhere.  When lust is in the air, the combination of pheromones, hormones, and mutual attraction is dangerous.  Mix in opportunity and forgetaboutit.

I've heard some people say "what?!  can't I have friends?!?".  Sure, but if you are spending time with this 'friend' that could easily be seen as a date, i.e. you went out for food and drinks, what do you think your answer to this 'friendship' should be?  Your partner doesn't feel comfortable with your friendship, than you need to identify what the problem is.  Are they jealous?  Are they justified in being jealous?  Is your friendship with this person worth the arguments, mistrust, and destruction of your relationship?

When you'd rather hang out every other day after work than go home to your family, what are you hiding away from?  Get your butt home to your wife and kids!

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