Do I say this "out loud"?
If you read my Three Kids post last night, I talked about my insanity of wanting to have a third child. Even when things don't make logical sense, making decisions is not always made with the brain. The heart wants what it wants.
I want another child because I am selfish and afraid. I do not want to be alone in my golden years. I want to be surrounded by my husband and children. As I pull my head out of the sand in the wee hours of the night and reflect on the weeks of struggle my husband is going through, I fear what future lies ahead in our golden years. My biggest fear is that I am by myself in my 50's without my dear husband. And it maybe more real than I want to admit to myself. These complications the last few weeks breaths chills into my heart and flames my fears.
I wish for Franklin to live with me till our ripe old age, but if we poke the elephant that's in the room, it may not happen. And that is why deep down I want another child. It will be tough to have 3 kids under the age of 10, but all the hardships, tough days, and struggles will be worth having their hugs, smiles, and milestones experienced with my Husband.
I know if I tried to explain this to anyone in my family, they would 'shush' me and not to speak of such things.
I know I don't want to talk about it either.
[polldaddy poll=4750633]
Showing posts with label kidney failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kidney failure. Show all posts
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Three kids?!
I must be a total nutcase. A glutton for punishment. I would love to have a third child.
Life with a toddler and baby is challenging. The sleep deprivation. Food differences. Laundry (mainly because of the amount of baby barf). Trying to pack everyone up to go out takes at around an hour. Feeding. Diapers. Bucket car seat. Diaper bag. Snacks. Cell phone. I'm sure it could be done faster. I just haven't mastered it yet I guess. Any parents with kids would agree it can be tough at times. Very much worth it when they say "thank you mommy". or when they come out of no where and hug you and tell you they love you. My heart melts each time I see him smile, when he gives me a high-five when he's proud of something he's done. A house full of laughter and even sibling bickering (I'm sure I'll eat my words to that for sure) sounds like an awesome future.
I've always wanted three kids. If I had to do this baby chapter in my life all over again, I wish I started a few years earlier. I knew it was a lifetime commitment of sacrifice for their success and happiness. No more ridiculous spending. Those are all earmarked for their future. I listed most of it in my Luxury, decadence, or just nasty? post. I wasn't ready. I still wanted to party. Spend money frivolously. Head out to the Casino on a whim. We were living as DINKS and it was great. But, as most woman can agree, the metaphorical internal clock was starting to DING! DONG! really loudly.
We were nervous at first. When he started peritoneal dialysis years ago, the doctors said that dialysis could lead to infertility. We froze sperm when we heard that. Fortunately we didn't need it. First try...is all I'm saying. :) How so very blessed were we. So many other dialysis patients are not as fortunate. This fracking disease will steal your life, but also your future line too. I hate kidney failure.
But, I digress. I want a third child because I would love to have a little girl. I love my boys. They have each other to be friends with. I knew I always wanted at least two. Sadly, we will not be around forever. So, I wanted to ensure someone will be around that will HAVE TO love you. That is what family is all about. LOL I was able to reuse all of Boy 1's clothes on Boy 2.
Unfortunately, I did not start early enough. To have a third child I considered higher risk. That, and the glaring reality that Franklin would not be able to help as much as he would like. If I find it tough when he's sick and dealing with my two boys, it would only be madness if I was to have another. Yet, I still want to. No one is on board with this idea. Not my parents nor my husband. My parents are not getting any younger. They have been a main support system when I am at my darkest. They help pick Franklin up from the hospital, watch my toddler, cook food - when I just had Baby 2, when Franklin is in the hospital, when Franklin gets out and she makes special nutritious Chinese soups, and just to talk. My favourite brother also thinks it's an asinine idea. I have my plate full as it is.
My mom was done having kids by the age I just started. I also want to retire by 55, no later than 60, but really, now would be good too. I actually would love to have 4 kids, but would settle for 3. But, is my fate to have only 2 be my reality?
Sadly, I think so. But, I'll try to wear down Franklin and plant "Daddy's little girl" ideas. mwhahaha
[polldaddy poll=4738099]
Life with a toddler and baby is challenging. The sleep deprivation. Food differences. Laundry (mainly because of the amount of baby barf). Trying to pack everyone up to go out takes at around an hour. Feeding. Diapers. Bucket car seat. Diaper bag. Snacks. Cell phone. I'm sure it could be done faster. I just haven't mastered it yet I guess. Any parents with kids would agree it can be tough at times. Very much worth it when they say "thank you mommy". or when they come out of no where and hug you and tell you they love you. My heart melts each time I see him smile, when he gives me a high-five when he's proud of something he's done. A house full of laughter and even sibling bickering (I'm sure I'll eat my words to that for sure) sounds like an awesome future.
I've always wanted three kids. If I had to do this baby chapter in my life all over again, I wish I started a few years earlier. I knew it was a lifetime commitment of sacrifice for their success and happiness. No more ridiculous spending. Those are all earmarked for their future. I listed most of it in my Luxury, decadence, or just nasty? post. I wasn't ready. I still wanted to party. Spend money frivolously. Head out to the Casino on a whim. We were living as DINKS and it was great. But, as most woman can agree, the metaphorical internal clock was starting to DING! DONG! really loudly.
We were nervous at first. When he started peritoneal dialysis years ago, the doctors said that dialysis could lead to infertility. We froze sperm when we heard that. Fortunately we didn't need it. First try...is all I'm saying. :) How so very blessed were we. So many other dialysis patients are not as fortunate. This fracking disease will steal your life, but also your future line too. I hate kidney failure.
But, I digress. I want a third child because I would love to have a little girl. I love my boys. They have each other to be friends with. I knew I always wanted at least two. Sadly, we will not be around forever. So, I wanted to ensure someone will be around that will HAVE TO love you. That is what family is all about. LOL I was able to reuse all of Boy 1's clothes on Boy 2.
Unfortunately, I did not start early enough. To have a third child I considered higher risk. That, and the glaring reality that Franklin would not be able to help as much as he would like. If I find it tough when he's sick and dealing with my two boys, it would only be madness if I was to have another. Yet, I still want to. No one is on board with this idea. Not my parents nor my husband. My parents are not getting any younger. They have been a main support system when I am at my darkest. They help pick Franklin up from the hospital, watch my toddler, cook food - when I just had Baby 2, when Franklin is in the hospital, when Franklin gets out and she makes special nutritious Chinese soups, and just to talk. My favourite brother also thinks it's an asinine idea. I have my plate full as it is.
My mom was done having kids by the age I just started. I also want to retire by 55, no later than 60, but really, now would be good too. I actually would love to have 4 kids, but would settle for 3. But, is my fate to have only 2 be my reality?
Sadly, I think so. But, I'll try to wear down Franklin and plant "Daddy's little girl" ideas. mwhahaha
[polldaddy poll=4738099]
Friday, March 11, 2011
Not Again - Update
It seems as though Franklin made the right choice. Seems as though..
They immediately do an x-ray, draw blood for testing, do 2-hrs of dialysis using his fistula instead of his line. He has a bit of trouble breathing. His left lung has some noise. Possibility of pneumonia, infection of the dialysis line (which is really scary because it is connected directly to his heart). They give him antibiotics through his dialysis line. They say he should have come earlier. Hopefully, it's still early enough.
The doctor immediately stops use of his dialysis line. He must use his fistula to do dialysis. It is his worst nightmare. He was 'warming up' to the idea of sticking himself with needles to do his dialysis. He wanted to do it on his terms. He must get trained all over again using this method of connection. Drives. Early mornings. Instead of a gentle 8-hr dialysis session to remove the toxins, potassium, phosphates, and liquid, he has 4-hr sessions every other day. This is harsher on the body. The electrolyte levels, etc are all wacked out. In 1 week instead of getting 40-hrs, he will be getting 12-hrs. I'm sure there are more rough roads ahead. But, once we get back on track it WILL get better. It has to. Lord give him strength to get through it all. and me & the kids too!
Last night was pretty brutal. He's freezing with 3 comforters on him while sweating. Then he's too hot. In between he's throwing up (who knows what since he hasn't eaten much in days). He's moaning. He has a fever of 38.8-40 degrees Celsius all night. Between him and the kids I try not feel overwhelmed and just focus making sure to get everyone taken care of. I wrap him in blankets. Leave water by his bed. Feed and bath the boys. Rub Franklin's back. Throw away the garbage bag and replace with a fresh barf bag. Put baby 2 to sleep. Brush teeth and read books with baby 1. Get a refill of drinkage for The Husband. Put baby 2 back to sleep. New barf bag. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically.
You would think I would just collapse asleep when all my boys are finally sleeping and the house is quiet. I can't. I read my book (love to read before I go to bed). My eyes are tired, but I love the break my mind gets. I am living this woman's life as I read chapter after chapter. It's not exceptional, but I like the basis. A city mom who owns her own advertising business and rides a motorcycle, moves to the burbs to be closer to her ill mother and elderly father. She is the odd mom out amongst the cliquey full-time mommies who wear sweater sets. I once was the city mom. Not that I care so much about being accepted, but the idea of switching from city life to suburb life. Assessing what you want out of life. Putting your parents needs before your own.
The day starts at 5am. But I read what's happened in Japan. Reality check. We are alive. Pray for them.
Read the previous post Not Again to find out what this update is updating.
They immediately do an x-ray, draw blood for testing, do 2-hrs of dialysis using his fistula instead of his line. He has a bit of trouble breathing. His left lung has some noise. Possibility of pneumonia, infection of the dialysis line (which is really scary because it is connected directly to his heart). They give him antibiotics through his dialysis line. They say he should have come earlier. Hopefully, it's still early enough.
The doctor immediately stops use of his dialysis line. He must use his fistula to do dialysis. It is his worst nightmare. He was 'warming up' to the idea of sticking himself with needles to do his dialysis. He wanted to do it on his terms. He must get trained all over again using this method of connection. Drives. Early mornings. Instead of a gentle 8-hr dialysis session to remove the toxins, potassium, phosphates, and liquid, he has 4-hr sessions every other day. This is harsher on the body. The electrolyte levels, etc are all wacked out. In 1 week instead of getting 40-hrs, he will be getting 12-hrs. I'm sure there are more rough roads ahead. But, once we get back on track it WILL get better. It has to. Lord give him strength to get through it all. and me & the kids too!
Last night was pretty brutal. He's freezing with 3 comforters on him while sweating. Then he's too hot. In between he's throwing up (who knows what since he hasn't eaten much in days). He's moaning. He has a fever of 38.8-40 degrees Celsius all night. Between him and the kids I try not feel overwhelmed and just focus making sure to get everyone taken care of. I wrap him in blankets. Leave water by his bed. Feed and bath the boys. Rub Franklin's back. Throw away the garbage bag and replace with a fresh barf bag. Put baby 2 to sleep. Brush teeth and read books with baby 1. Get a refill of drinkage for The Husband. Put baby 2 back to sleep. New barf bag. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically.
You would think I would just collapse asleep when all my boys are finally sleeping and the house is quiet. I can't. I read my book (love to read before I go to bed). My eyes are tired, but I love the break my mind gets. I am living this woman's life as I read chapter after chapter. It's not exceptional, but I like the basis. A city mom who owns her own advertising business and rides a motorcycle, moves to the burbs to be closer to her ill mother and elderly father. She is the odd mom out amongst the cliquey full-time mommies who wear sweater sets. I once was the city mom. Not that I care so much about being accepted, but the idea of switching from city life to suburb life. Assessing what you want out of life. Putting your parents needs before your own.
The day starts at 5am. But I read what's happened in Japan. Reality check. We are alive. Pray for them.
Read the previous post Not Again to find out what this update is updating.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Not again
Here we go again. Sadly.
I thought it was because he was on the mend. But within 3 days things were just deteriorating. The first day we figured it was because he hadn't eaten i 5 days. But even after only 1/2 bowl of broth, he would be hurting.
Do we go. Don't we go. I wait for him to let me know. This morning he let me know. The ambulance will only take him to the closest one. And after 15-hr wait the last time, Franklin didn't want that as an option. He's in pain. Hasn't dialysized properly in days, and has fever. We call the Home Hemo clinic and speak to his amazing nurse Stella. Based on her assessment, it sounds like he has an infection. He should come down there.
My parents have taken my toddler out on their errands, so I should at least be thankful he doesn't have to see the ambulance people and all their equipment. Everyone else is at work or school. Franklin refuses the ambulance and we call a cab. $75 for calling the ambulance. $100 for the cab (one way). Who cares about the money, but it is on the back of my mind as we reach mid-month and bills are waiting. Mat-leave money is not the lottery. I'm thankful I even get anything and be able to breastfeed my baby to give him the best healthy start.
It's a limo taxi that comes. How rich. You take what comes out here in the sticks. I feel helpless again. In so many ways. I am exhausted with my 5am wake up as usual and should nap because I'm physically exhausted and I want to escape reality, if only for 20 minutes, but the mind won't STFU. So, I blog. And I pray.
I pray that he is safe. He will get better. That the Lord will work through the doctors/nurses hands to ensure his life. An infection to a healthy person is a few days sick. I don't want to think what this may result in. It can only be positive. He WILL come home. He WILL get better.
He needs to. I need him.
I thought it was because he was on the mend. But within 3 days things were just deteriorating. The first day we figured it was because he hadn't eaten i 5 days. But even after only 1/2 bowl of broth, he would be hurting.
Do we go. Don't we go. I wait for him to let me know. This morning he let me know. The ambulance will only take him to the closest one. And after 15-hr wait the last time, Franklin didn't want that as an option. He's in pain. Hasn't dialysized properly in days, and has fever. We call the Home Hemo clinic and speak to his amazing nurse Stella. Based on her assessment, it sounds like he has an infection. He should come down there.
My parents have taken my toddler out on their errands, so I should at least be thankful he doesn't have to see the ambulance people and all their equipment. Everyone else is at work or school. Franklin refuses the ambulance and we call a cab. $75 for calling the ambulance. $100 for the cab (one way). Who cares about the money, but it is on the back of my mind as we reach mid-month and bills are waiting. Mat-leave money is not the lottery. I'm thankful I even get anything and be able to breastfeed my baby to give him the best healthy start.
It's a limo taxi that comes. How rich. You take what comes out here in the sticks. I feel helpless again. In so many ways. I am exhausted with my 5am wake up as usual and should nap because I'm physically exhausted and I want to escape reality, if only for 20 minutes, but the mind won't STFU. So, I blog. And I pray.
I pray that he is safe. He will get better. That the Lord will work through the doctors/nurses hands to ensure his life. An infection to a healthy person is a few days sick. I don't want to think what this may result in. It can only be positive. He WILL come home. He WILL get better.
He needs to. I need him.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Balancing - Final Act (He's Home)
After a crazy 5 days documented in my Balancing series, Franklin is back home.
I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and love. I appreciate you reading our journey and trying to understand someone of the ups and downs that is our lives.
He was finally discharged. Not 100%, but at least he's not on morphine and can recoup at home. Don't get me wrong. I love that he is home. It has been an empty shell at home in the house and in my heart. But, when I wake up at 5:30am with baby 2, then baby 1 wakes up at 7am, having Franklin wake me to rub his back at 1am is just frustrating. The first night, I guess I'm just so grateful he's home and I don't mind. But by the second night I'm telling him to go sit in the Shiatsu Massage chair.
It doesn't help that just before this episode he fell hard twice on the ice and banged up his elbow. He had to be assisted off the ice. We went to the hospital for x-rays. It was so swollen his elbow looked disfigured. Plus it was the arm that has his fistula, so I wanted to ensure that his life saving vein was still working and not ruptured or anything. Then it was 1.5 weeks of "my arm...moan....".
Before the elbow episode The Husband stepped off the porch, missed the step while carrying baby 2 in his bucket car seat, and landed on his ankle. As I was strapping in our toddler all I hear is "THUD! FUKC!!!". I turn around to see the car seat safely on the ground and Franklin walking around swearing. Baby 2 is crying. Franklin is swearing. Our toddler is yelling at Franklin "Language Daddy! Language Daddy!". I get into triage mind-set. Assess the situation. Tend to the most injured. Check on baby 2. Open door for Husband. Go get Toddler. Now, off to another trip to the hospital. Another couple of weeks he needed to recoup.
The laundry piles. The groceries dwindle. The house could be more tidy. But, those things will get done eventually. You don't want to stress over it, but it's the one thing you do have control over and it's not getting done. His pain I can't do anything about. So household b.s. sits on my shoulders because at least I can do something about it. Watching my man in pain leaves me feeling helpless and useless. Silly. Probably. But, I think we strive to control the things we can and roll with the punches with the things we can't. There's so much that I can't control in our lives, I guess I over compensate with the things I think I have control over.
My husband is resilient. When he is on a good day, he is so happy, filled with jokes, and a great guy. He still wants to go skating. He still faces each day. I love him.
Bad things happen in threes. So hopefully, we have had our share and are set for good times ahead.
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
[polldaddy poll=4688007]
I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and love. I appreciate you reading our journey and trying to understand someone of the ups and downs that is our lives.
He was finally discharged. Not 100%, but at least he's not on morphine and can recoup at home. Don't get me wrong. I love that he is home. It has been an empty shell at home in the house and in my heart. But, when I wake up at 5:30am with baby 2, then baby 1 wakes up at 7am, having Franklin wake me to rub his back at 1am is just frustrating. The first night, I guess I'm just so grateful he's home and I don't mind. But by the second night I'm telling him to go sit in the Shiatsu Massage chair.
It doesn't help that just before this episode he fell hard twice on the ice and banged up his elbow. He had to be assisted off the ice. We went to the hospital for x-rays. It was so swollen his elbow looked disfigured. Plus it was the arm that has his fistula, so I wanted to ensure that his life saving vein was still working and not ruptured or anything. Then it was 1.5 weeks of "my arm...moan....".
Before the elbow episode The Husband stepped off the porch, missed the step while carrying baby 2 in his bucket car seat, and landed on his ankle. As I was strapping in our toddler all I hear is "THUD! FUKC!!!". I turn around to see the car seat safely on the ground and Franklin walking around swearing. Baby 2 is crying. Franklin is swearing. Our toddler is yelling at Franklin "Language Daddy! Language Daddy!". I get into triage mind-set. Assess the situation. Tend to the most injured. Check on baby 2. Open door for Husband. Go get Toddler. Now, off to another trip to the hospital. Another couple of weeks he needed to recoup.
The laundry piles. The groceries dwindle. The house could be more tidy. But, those things will get done eventually. You don't want to stress over it, but it's the one thing you do have control over and it's not getting done. His pain I can't do anything about. So household b.s. sits on my shoulders because at least I can do something about it. Watching my man in pain leaves me feeling helpless and useless. Silly. Probably. But, I think we strive to control the things we can and roll with the punches with the things we can't. There's so much that I can't control in our lives, I guess I over compensate with the things I think I have control over.
My husband is resilient. When he is on a good day, he is so happy, filled with jokes, and a great guy. He still wants to go skating. He still faces each day. I love him.
Bad things happen in threes. So hopefully, we have had our share and are set for good times ahead.
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
[polldaddy poll=4688007]
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Balance Act III
The plan was to stay home. Do 5 loads of laundry, wash dishes, bake cookies with The Boy, take a nap, and watch movies. It started out o.k. Both kiddies slept in 1-hr longer than usual. They're tired too from all this. I call to check how The Husband is doing. Did he get dialysis? The nurse's response was "weren't you here yesterday?". What?!? That set me off! I still try to stay calm and explain that I was told in the morning he would be going in the afternoon, but he still hadn't received any when I left late afternoon. A curt "yes, he got it" was her response. Also, Franklin pulled out one of the tubes. WTF?? Why?! This b!t3h wasn't explaining anything.
I didn't want to bother W again considering everything she and my nieces have done for me. Niecey had plans today. But, fearing the worst I had to get down there. I would bring the baby in with me if I had to. I call W to ask her to drive down with me again. As much as I hate to burden her again and the guilt I feel, I put that all aside because I need to find out what's happening to my Darling! I woke her up (add another lbs of guilt) and explain the situation. I start crying. I am afraid of not knowing and thinking the worst.
She is a pillar of strength. She calms me down. Helps me line up what I need to get done so I can get going. Feed baby. Pump milk. Dress children. Arrange Marcus care. Did I eat? I wouldn't have even thought of that to even be put on the list! I am determined to get going.
I pack up the car and drive over to get W. I am ready to tear someone up! If anything has happened to my Darling the poor person who has to explain it to me will feel my wrath. Don't get it twisted. I may live in the suburbs now, but I done grow up downtown. I am angry and someone will pay.
To my surprise Niecey has canceled her plans and coming with us (add more lbs of guilt and burden). I push all my emotions of guilt, burden, fear, and anger aside. None of those emotions are helping matters. I feel empty.
As we drive down Franklin calls. His mom is there. He is o.k. He didn't even know he pulled out the tube. It's been put back. The journey to recovery continues.
I feel emotionally drained.
I didn't want to bother W again considering everything she and my nieces have done for me. Niecey had plans today. But, fearing the worst I had to get down there. I would bring the baby in with me if I had to. I call W to ask her to drive down with me again. As much as I hate to burden her again and the guilt I feel, I put that all aside because I need to find out what's happening to my Darling! I woke her up (add another lbs of guilt) and explain the situation. I start crying. I am afraid of not knowing and thinking the worst.
She is a pillar of strength. She calms me down. Helps me line up what I need to get done so I can get going. Feed baby. Pump milk. Dress children. Arrange Marcus care. Did I eat? I wouldn't have even thought of that to even be put on the list! I am determined to get going.
I pack up the car and drive over to get W. I am ready to tear someone up! If anything has happened to my Darling the poor person who has to explain it to me will feel my wrath. Don't get it twisted. I may live in the suburbs now, but I done grow up downtown. I am angry and someone will pay.
To my surprise Niecey has canceled her plans and coming with us (add more lbs of guilt and burden). I push all my emotions of guilt, burden, fear, and anger aside. None of those emotions are helping matters. I feel empty.
As we drive down Franklin calls. His mom is there. He is o.k. He didn't even know he pulled out the tube. It's been put back. The journey to recovery continues.
I feel emotionally drained.
Balancing Act II
No Zumba. No Swimming lessons. But at least I was going to go see him. All thanks to the time, generosity, kindness, patience, and unconditional love of Marcus' Godmother (W) and my parents. My parents would watch my toddler while W. would drive me down to see The Husband and wait in the car with the baby. I was able to have it all. See my husband in the hospital and not have the kids exposed to any germs at the hospital.
I had told one of his brothers that he was there and fortunately met him in the hall. We talked with Franklin about telling his mom. We chatted and joked it up a bit. It didn't help that one of the 'roommates' had the t.v. on as if they were in their own living room. Get a headset or turn it down! Jeeze. Also, he was still hadn't gone for dialysis. I tried to get him a semi-private, asked the nurses to help us defuse the issue with the roommate (since Frankie 'yelled' at them him the night before), and went to get him some drinkage (no food allowed. he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night!). Text comes in "baby's starting to melt down". I have to leave. Balance.
Off to my weekly family dinner. Home cooked meal. Hang with the fam. I call and tell his mom. She is thankful that I told her. I am lucky to have such a great mother-in-law. She has her 'annoying' bits, but who doesn't? It's a 'good' day. Well, good as it's going to get. When I go home, my brother offers to drive me and my car home. I say "it's ok. I've been doing it". He had the best answer "I know you have, but now you don't have to".
Read about the next day with Balance Act III post.
Or read how it all started with Balance between Husband and Children post.
I had told one of his brothers that he was there and fortunately met him in the hall. We talked with Franklin about telling his mom. We chatted and joked it up a bit. It didn't help that one of the 'roommates' had the t.v. on as if they were in their own living room. Get a headset or turn it down! Jeeze. Also, he was still hadn't gone for dialysis. I tried to get him a semi-private, asked the nurses to help us defuse the issue with the roommate (since Frankie 'yelled' at them him the night before), and went to get him some drinkage (no food allowed. he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night!). Text comes in "baby's starting to melt down". I have to leave. Balance.
Off to my weekly family dinner. Home cooked meal. Hang with the fam. I call and tell his mom. She is thankful that I told her. I am lucky to have such a great mother-in-law. She has her 'annoying' bits, but who doesn't? It's a 'good' day. Well, good as it's going to get. When I go home, my brother offers to drive me and my car home. I say "it's ok. I've been doing it". He had the best answer "I know you have, but now you don't have to".
Read about the next day with Balance Act III post.
Or read how it all started with Balance between Husband and Children post.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Balance between Husband and Children
The kids will win 99.9% of the time. But, it breaks my heart to do it.
Franklin woke me at 5am. "Babe, I'm in pain". Oh no. It was his day off of doing dialysis treatment (he gets two days off a week because his job is keeping himself alive with proper treatment). I call the ambulance and the roller coaster ride begins.
I leave the kids with my parents for 5-hrs. Then leave them with their Godmother for another 5-hrs. Franklin is at Emerg at the hospital up here for 15-hrs before they transfer him to the proper hospital. They have blinders on as soon as they hear dialysis. "We do not provide treatment for that here". No $h!t Sherlock! Treat the issue while you make arrangements to get him dialysis at the right hospital. Instead, it takes 8- hrs to finally get the go-ahead to transfer him to the right hospital, all the while only taking 1 x-ray and keep him pumped with narcotics for the pain. It takes another 7-hrs to finally transfer him. Note: Since it took so long, the dialysis treatment centre at the hospital is closed for the night and he will now be 2-days without treatment. Toxins, liquid level, and blood pressure is on the rise. His face, belly, and hands are already puffy.
I have been popping in and out a couple of times to feed my 5-month old and to transfer him between caretakers. He's not taking to the bottled breast milk that I've pumped which isn't much since I haven't pumped on the regular since the first month when I wanted Franklin to try to do some feedings. I keep telling myself to keep an emergency supply in the freezer. sigh. When I finally pick up the kids, both my loving ad indispensable go-to offer to take care of my toddler tomorrow if I need a break. My poor baby was crying a lot and very loudly with both of them.
I need to be there for m husband. To speak for him since he is on morphine every two hours. To rub his back with my reassuring touch. To feed him ice chips since he can't have food, hasn't had food in a couple of days, and he drank half a bottle of iced tea in one long gulp he was so thirsty.
But, how can I be there for him? Bring my 5-month old to spend hours at the hospital? Every instinct says (and everyone else also) it is not a good idea to do that. I agree. Especially when I was with him at Emergency and saw 3 rooms where anyone entering the room had to put on a mask, gown, and gloves to enter. Even the food server! What kind of airborne stuff do they have?! As a healthy adult, I might be o.k. but, I just cannot risk that with my baby. Or can I?
I am torn. It physically hurts to think of my husband drugged up at the hospital on his own. But, I just can't bring the baby down there. Baby wins. But, really, there are no winners here. We all pay the price of this horrible kidney failure.
I am afraid. My uncle passed away several months ago very quickly (1 week!) when he went to the hospital. He also had kidney disease. Franklin has been in hospital many times, but this time with new baby, uncle's recent death, and my 5am wake ups (with no naps during the day) for the last few weeks, I broke down and cried a bit. Sobbed actually. Red rimmed eyeballs, puffy lids, snot drippings, just a plain mess.
I've been sticking my head in the ground and refuse to acknowledge the death sentence we are living. Without dialysis he will die. It is slowly killing him too. The very thing that is saving him is killing him. I live in my bubble and pretend he will be here forever and we will share our golden years exploring the next chapter in our lives. It's the only way I know how to survive each day for the last 10+ years. But, right now with him in the hospital alone feels too bright and harsh. Too real. I want him home and I want to stick my head in the sand again. Ignorance is bliss.
Do I tell his mother? He says no. She will be upset. If I tell, he gets mad. If I don't tell she gets mad. This is not the first time I haven't told her of his hospital stay. I know as a mother I would want to know. But, what do I do as a wife?
I hate incompetent, cold-hearted medical "professionals", bureaucracy, shortage of beds in hospitals, and most of all Kidney Disease.
This sucks.
See the next day in Balance Act II
[polldaddy poll=4658202] [polldaddy poll=4658220]
Franklin woke me at 5am. "Babe, I'm in pain". Oh no. It was his day off of doing dialysis treatment (he gets two days off a week because his job is keeping himself alive with proper treatment). I call the ambulance and the roller coaster ride begins.
I leave the kids with my parents for 5-hrs. Then leave them with their Godmother for another 5-hrs. Franklin is at Emerg at the hospital up here for 15-hrs before they transfer him to the proper hospital. They have blinders on as soon as they hear dialysis. "We do not provide treatment for that here". No $h!t Sherlock! Treat the issue while you make arrangements to get him dialysis at the right hospital. Instead, it takes 8- hrs to finally get the go-ahead to transfer him to the right hospital, all the while only taking 1 x-ray and keep him pumped with narcotics for the pain. It takes another 7-hrs to finally transfer him. Note: Since it took so long, the dialysis treatment centre at the hospital is closed for the night and he will now be 2-days without treatment. Toxins, liquid level, and blood pressure is on the rise. His face, belly, and hands are already puffy.
I have been popping in and out a couple of times to feed my 5-month old and to transfer him between caretakers. He's not taking to the bottled breast milk that I've pumped which isn't much since I haven't pumped on the regular since the first month when I wanted Franklin to try to do some feedings. I keep telling myself to keep an emergency supply in the freezer. sigh. When I finally pick up the kids, both my loving ad indispensable go-to offer to take care of my toddler tomorrow if I need a break. My poor baby was crying a lot and very loudly with both of them.
I need to be there for m husband. To speak for him since he is on morphine every two hours. To rub his back with my reassuring touch. To feed him ice chips since he can't have food, hasn't had food in a couple of days, and he drank half a bottle of iced tea in one long gulp he was so thirsty.
But, how can I be there for him? Bring my 5-month old to spend hours at the hospital? Every instinct says (and everyone else also) it is not a good idea to do that. I agree. Especially when I was with him at Emergency and saw 3 rooms where anyone entering the room had to put on a mask, gown, and gloves to enter. Even the food server! What kind of airborne stuff do they have?! As a healthy adult, I might be o.k. but, I just cannot risk that with my baby. Or can I?
I am torn. It physically hurts to think of my husband drugged up at the hospital on his own. But, I just can't bring the baby down there. Baby wins. But, really, there are no winners here. We all pay the price of this horrible kidney failure.
I am afraid. My uncle passed away several months ago very quickly (1 week!) when he went to the hospital. He also had kidney disease. Franklin has been in hospital many times, but this time with new baby, uncle's recent death, and my 5am wake ups (with no naps during the day) for the last few weeks, I broke down and cried a bit. Sobbed actually. Red rimmed eyeballs, puffy lids, snot drippings, just a plain mess.
I've been sticking my head in the ground and refuse to acknowledge the death sentence we are living. Without dialysis he will die. It is slowly killing him too. The very thing that is saving him is killing him. I live in my bubble and pretend he will be here forever and we will share our golden years exploring the next chapter in our lives. It's the only way I know how to survive each day for the last 10+ years. But, right now with him in the hospital alone feels too bright and harsh. Too real. I want him home and I want to stick my head in the sand again. Ignorance is bliss.
Do I tell his mother? He says no. She will be upset. If I tell, he gets mad. If I don't tell she gets mad. This is not the first time I haven't told her of his hospital stay. I know as a mother I would want to know. But, what do I do as a wife?
I hate incompetent, cold-hearted medical "professionals", bureaucracy, shortage of beds in hospitals, and most of all Kidney Disease.
This sucks.
See the next day in Balance Act II
[polldaddy poll=4658202] [polldaddy poll=4658220]
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Beginning of this Lifetime Journey
A lovely lady messaged me about The Husband.
"Hi Eleisa,
How are you?? Good blogs.. I read all your posts.. they are definitely interesting.. one question popped in my mind when I read the latest blog. You mentioned that Franklin has been go through dialysis for 10 years.. Exactly how did he get it?? It seems scary. I want to do everything possible to not get it.
Hope you and the family are doing well!!"
I've been meaning to tell her what the history was. Well, at least how it started and how we found out. What were the signs? What effect it had on him? on me? on our relationship?
We're in our early twenties and we don't know what is happening and why is it happening. It starts with really bad headaches. At first Extra Strength Tylonal would help. Then the headaches got worse and the Tylonal wasn't helping anymore. It was to the point where he would be in bed holding his head squirming and groaning in pain while in the dark.
Finally, he went to see the doctor. His blood pressure (BP) was 280/140. The doctor advised to get to Emergency right away. That's when he called me to meet him there. He didn't sound different then he usually did, so I didn't understand the urgency. When I met him there, the doctors said he's lucky he was young. Anyone else with that BP would be considered having a heart attack.
This is how we learned his kidney was dying.
A lot of emotions are going through our hearts. How could this happen? Why him? NO ONE in his family has kidney failure. What is his future? Will he live? Do I stay with him? Where do we go from here? When did this start? Could he have prevented it? Many of those questions we still ask ourselves today.
After some reflection, we believe it started when he ruptured his kidneys while playing rugby while in high school. Franklin researched our hunches and there are studies that show that people who have injured their kidneys are 70% more likely to have kidney problems later in life. So, take care of your kidneys.
I remember my dad asking me if I was sure I knew what I was getting myself into. He caveat-ed the harsh reality with "as your dad I just was to make sure you know what you're getting into." Only a parent who loves you and wants only the best for you would ask that. I understand where he is coming from. We are not married. I still have a choice to leave. The future with a partner who is terminally ill will be difficult to say the least.
I still have the same response today as I did all those years ago. I want to spend everyday with him even if it is for 1-yr or 50-yrs. I want to enjoy my life with him for as long as we both shall live.
I still have personal fears. Being alone at 50 with two (maybe three if I can convince him and we are so blessed :) ) and spending my golden years alone. That's the biggest one. But, even with that, I still want to experience every up and down with him. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
Read the next chapter in Please put him on dialysis Doc post.
or
Read more stories about living with kidney failure from the spouses (my) perspective with posts from the Kidney Failure category.
"Hi Eleisa,
How are you?? Good blogs.. I read all your posts.. they are definitely interesting.. one question popped in my mind when I read the latest blog. You mentioned that Franklin has been go through dialysis for 10 years.. Exactly how did he get it?? It seems scary. I want to do everything possible to not get it.
Hope you and the family are doing well!!"
I've been meaning to tell her what the history was. Well, at least how it started and how we found out. What were the signs? What effect it had on him? on me? on our relationship?
We're in our early twenties and we don't know what is happening and why is it happening. It starts with really bad headaches. At first Extra Strength Tylonal would help. Then the headaches got worse and the Tylonal wasn't helping anymore. It was to the point where he would be in bed holding his head squirming and groaning in pain while in the dark.
Finally, he went to see the doctor. His blood pressure (BP) was 280/140. The doctor advised to get to Emergency right away. That's when he called me to meet him there. He didn't sound different then he usually did, so I didn't understand the urgency. When I met him there, the doctors said he's lucky he was young. Anyone else with that BP would be considered having a heart attack.
This is how we learned his kidney was dying.
A lot of emotions are going through our hearts. How could this happen? Why him? NO ONE in his family has kidney failure. What is his future? Will he live? Do I stay with him? Where do we go from here? When did this start? Could he have prevented it? Many of those questions we still ask ourselves today.
After some reflection, we believe it started when he ruptured his kidneys while playing rugby while in high school. Franklin researched our hunches and there are studies that show that people who have injured their kidneys are 70% more likely to have kidney problems later in life. So, take care of your kidneys.
I remember my dad asking me if I was sure I knew what I was getting myself into. He caveat-ed the harsh reality with "as your dad I just was to make sure you know what you're getting into." Only a parent who loves you and wants only the best for you would ask that. I understand where he is coming from. We are not married. I still have a choice to leave. The future with a partner who is terminally ill will be difficult to say the least.
I still have the same response today as I did all those years ago. I want to spend everyday with him even if it is for 1-yr or 50-yrs. I want to enjoy my life with him for as long as we both shall live.
I still have personal fears. Being alone at 50 with two (maybe three if I can convince him and we are so blessed :) ) and spending my golden years alone. That's the biggest one. But, even with that, I still want to experience every up and down with him. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
Read the next chapter in Please put him on dialysis Doc post.
or
Read more stories about living with kidney failure from the spouses (my) perspective with posts from the Kidney Failure category.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Crashing
A rough morning for The Husband. No swimming class for The Boy. and I keep trying.
It started at 4am with Lucas having a poo emergency. Then Marcus cries out for me from a nightmare at 5:30am. Then Franklin yells "LISA! LISA!". That's never a good sign when he's doing his dialysis treatment and needs help. He's crashing. He needs me. I open the saline drip to try to bring his blood pressure back up. I need to stay calm and focused with kids crying in the background and a husband who can barely speak and whose eyes are sporadically rolling back. Long story short after helping him with his dialysis machine and yelling to Marcus that I am helping Daddy and will be there soon, his blood pressure is 99/49.
In all my diet mania I've rid the house of chips and cookies. Most things high in salt or sugar. But, at this time something salty is what the The Husband asks for. I bring him some crackers. Of course after he eats four with not much change, we see that it is unsalted. But, at least he's feeling more stable so I go get the babies. Marcus tells me "I want to be a doctor so I can help Daddy". I want to cry.
Franklin is sleeping. I've made Marcus a peanut butter and jam roll up on whole wheat pita, with a glass of milk, apple juice, and now some grapes. We're watching Kung Fu Panda and will just chill. We have to pick up some supplies at the hospital, so hopefully later will be better.
Hopefully.
It started at 4am with Lucas having a poo emergency. Then Marcus cries out for me from a nightmare at 5:30am. Then Franklin yells "LISA! LISA!". That's never a good sign when he's doing his dialysis treatment and needs help. He's crashing. He needs me. I open the saline drip to try to bring his blood pressure back up. I need to stay calm and focused with kids crying in the background and a husband who can barely speak and whose eyes are sporadically rolling back. Long story short after helping him with his dialysis machine and yelling to Marcus that I am helping Daddy and will be there soon, his blood pressure is 99/49.
In all my diet mania I've rid the house of chips and cookies. Most things high in salt or sugar. But, at this time something salty is what the The Husband asks for. I bring him some crackers. Of course after he eats four with not much change, we see that it is unsalted. But, at least he's feeling more stable so I go get the babies. Marcus tells me "I want to be a doctor so I can help Daddy". I want to cry.
Franklin is sleeping. I've made Marcus a peanut butter and jam roll up on whole wheat pita, with a glass of milk, apple juice, and now some grapes. We're watching Kung Fu Panda and will just chill. We have to pick up some supplies at the hospital, so hopefully later will be better.
Hopefully.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Get the $%# UP and help me with the kids!!!
I contemplated whether to write about this or not. Then I re-read my first post. This is to help me vent my feelings. I also re-read the marriage post, and I have to say something otherwise I will grow to resent him (and it's starting). So, instead of saying it to The Husband, because really it's not his fault, I will vent here.
I've been up several times over the night for feedings and newborn baby sleepness. So, when Marcus wakes up at 6am and Lucas is still sleeping, I go with him to his room and just have him lie down with me to cuddle. By 6:30am he goes to our bedroom to wake up The Husband since I fell asleep. Back and forth he goes until Lucas wakes up. I bring Lucas into Marcus' room and together we fall back asleep. Franklin is still sleeping and Marcus is watching SpongeBob in our bedroom with him. All is right in the world.
Then SpongeBob is over, Franklin has yelled at Marcus to leave him alone, and Lucas is now up and crying. Time to get up! Morning diapers and teeth brushing await before we feed my now hungry toddler.
So, the morning goes on with blueberry whole wheat pancakes (homemade of course. even the pancake mix!), spread with a bit of peanut butter and topped with whipped cream (a Marcus request of toppings). Delicious AND Nutritious! We sing and dance while I cook, do dishes, and sweep up. Watch Train your Dragon movie while we eat then play hockey with his newly bought foam hockey sticks.
I've changed 2 morning diapers and an additional 3 poopy diapers and it's not even 11am yet! I want to go take a shower and take a nap since Lucas has gone back to sleep. Franklin, it's 11:30am, think you could wake up by 12pm? A mumbled 'sure'.
It's 12pm and Marcus is starting to get stir crazy. The movie is done. He's starting to hit Lucas with his foam hockey sticks. Lucas is getting cranky and doesn't want to be in his Bumba chair, nor his bouncy chair, nor sit on the couch, or bounced on my knee. He wants this monkey to dance. You know....walk around and sing while I carry his 14 lbs. 30 minutes? NOT ENOUGH!! Marcus has taken off all his clothes on the pretense that he wants to use the potty and refuses to put it back on. He's going to get his goo-goo juice everywhere! He has climbed the outside part of the stairs so he can flick the living room lights on and off. The patients are running the asylum!
Franklin, can you get the $#%!@ up already! I was understanding when yet again I have to wake up with our toddler after waking up several times in the night with our newborn. I was understanding when I changed several diapers all morning while you slept. I was understanding when I came down to a sink full of dirty dishes that I washed even though you said you would do them. I was understanding when I swept the living room and kitchen even though you said you would help out more.
I know the dialysis is taking its toll on your body and you're exhausted. But, what the hell was the excuse for not doing the dishes last night when you were feeling well?! What was the excuse that you're going to use for not sweeping up?! What's your excuse for leaving your snacks from last night on the coffee table yet again?!
The reality is, you could have taken care of all of it this morning and helped me if you were not surviving by doing dialysis everyday to save your life. I'm just tired. physically and mentally.
I resent the disease not you darling. I say this now. At the end of my rant. I sure didn't feel this way when I started writing this. Oh Blog. You saved Franklin from my frustration.
I've been up several times over the night for feedings and newborn baby sleepness. So, when Marcus wakes up at 6am and Lucas is still sleeping, I go with him to his room and just have him lie down with me to cuddle. By 6:30am he goes to our bedroom to wake up The Husband since I fell asleep. Back and forth he goes until Lucas wakes up. I bring Lucas into Marcus' room and together we fall back asleep. Franklin is still sleeping and Marcus is watching SpongeBob in our bedroom with him. All is right in the world.
Then SpongeBob is over, Franklin has yelled at Marcus to leave him alone, and Lucas is now up and crying. Time to get up! Morning diapers and teeth brushing await before we feed my now hungry toddler.
So, the morning goes on with blueberry whole wheat pancakes (homemade of course. even the pancake mix!), spread with a bit of peanut butter and topped with whipped cream (a Marcus request of toppings). Delicious AND Nutritious! We sing and dance while I cook, do dishes, and sweep up. Watch Train your Dragon movie while we eat then play hockey with his newly bought foam hockey sticks.
I've changed 2 morning diapers and an additional 3 poopy diapers and it's not even 11am yet! I want to go take a shower and take a nap since Lucas has gone back to sleep. Franklin, it's 11:30am, think you could wake up by 12pm? A mumbled 'sure'.
It's 12pm and Marcus is starting to get stir crazy. The movie is done. He's starting to hit Lucas with his foam hockey sticks. Lucas is getting cranky and doesn't want to be in his Bumba chair, nor his bouncy chair, nor sit on the couch, or bounced on my knee. He wants this monkey to dance. You know....walk around and sing while I carry his 14 lbs. 30 minutes? NOT ENOUGH!! Marcus has taken off all his clothes on the pretense that he wants to use the potty and refuses to put it back on. He's going to get his goo-goo juice everywhere! He has climbed the outside part of the stairs so he can flick the living room lights on and off. The patients are running the asylum!
Franklin, can you get the $#%!@ up already! I was understanding when yet again I have to wake up with our toddler after waking up several times in the night with our newborn. I was understanding when I changed several diapers all morning while you slept. I was understanding when I came down to a sink full of dirty dishes that I washed even though you said you would do them. I was understanding when I swept the living room and kitchen even though you said you would help out more.
I know the dialysis is taking its toll on your body and you're exhausted. But, what the hell was the excuse for not doing the dishes last night when you were feeling well?! What was the excuse that you're going to use for not sweeping up?! What's your excuse for leaving your snacks from last night on the coffee table yet again?!
The reality is, you could have taken care of all of it this morning and helped me if you were not surviving by doing dialysis everyday to save your life. I'm just tired. physically and mentally.
I resent the disease not you darling. I say this now. At the end of my rant. I sure didn't feel this way when I started writing this. Oh Blog. You saved Franklin from my frustration.
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