It seems as though Franklin made the right choice. Seems as though..
They immediately do an x-ray, draw blood for testing, do 2-hrs of dialysis using his fistula instead of his line. He has a bit of trouble breathing. His left lung has some noise. Possibility of pneumonia, infection of the dialysis line (which is really scary because it is connected directly to his heart). They give him antibiotics through his dialysis line. They say he should have come earlier. Hopefully, it's still early enough.
The doctor immediately stops use of his dialysis line. He must use his fistula to do dialysis. It is his worst nightmare. He was 'warming up' to the idea of sticking himself with needles to do his dialysis. He wanted to do it on his terms. He must get trained all over again using this method of connection. Drives. Early mornings. Instead of a gentle 8-hr dialysis session to remove the toxins, potassium, phosphates, and liquid, he has 4-hr sessions every other day. This is harsher on the body. The electrolyte levels, etc are all wacked out. In 1 week instead of getting 40-hrs, he will be getting 12-hrs. I'm sure there are more rough roads ahead. But, once we get back on track it WILL get better. It has to. Lord give him strength to get through it all. and me & the kids too!
Last night was pretty brutal. He's freezing with 3 comforters on him while sweating. Then he's too hot. In between he's throwing up (who knows what since he hasn't eaten much in days). He's moaning. He has a fever of 38.8-40 degrees Celsius all night. Between him and the kids I try not feel overwhelmed and just focus making sure to get everyone taken care of. I wrap him in blankets. Leave water by his bed. Feed and bath the boys. Rub Franklin's back. Throw away the garbage bag and replace with a fresh barf bag. Put baby 2 to sleep. Brush teeth and read books with baby 1. Get a refill of drinkage for The Husband. Put baby 2 back to sleep. New barf bag. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically.
You would think I would just collapse asleep when all my boys are finally sleeping and the house is quiet. I can't. I read my book (love to read before I go to bed). My eyes are tired, but I love the break my mind gets. I am living this woman's life as I read chapter after chapter. It's not exceptional, but I like the basis. A city mom who owns her own advertising business and rides a motorcycle, moves to the burbs to be closer to her ill mother and elderly father. She is the odd mom out amongst the cliquey full-time mommies who wear sweater sets. I once was the city mom. Not that I care so much about being accepted, but the idea of switching from city life to suburb life. Assessing what you want out of life. Putting your parents needs before your own.
The day starts at 5am. But I read what's happened in Japan. Reality check. We are alive. Pray for them.
Read the previous post Not Again to find out what this update is updating.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Not again
Here we go again. Sadly.
I thought it was because he was on the mend. But within 3 days things were just deteriorating. The first day we figured it was because he hadn't eaten i 5 days. But even after only 1/2 bowl of broth, he would be hurting.
Do we go. Don't we go. I wait for him to let me know. This morning he let me know. The ambulance will only take him to the closest one. And after 15-hr wait the last time, Franklin didn't want that as an option. He's in pain. Hasn't dialysized properly in days, and has fever. We call the Home Hemo clinic and speak to his amazing nurse Stella. Based on her assessment, it sounds like he has an infection. He should come down there.
My parents have taken my toddler out on their errands, so I should at least be thankful he doesn't have to see the ambulance people and all their equipment. Everyone else is at work or school. Franklin refuses the ambulance and we call a cab. $75 for calling the ambulance. $100 for the cab (one way). Who cares about the money, but it is on the back of my mind as we reach mid-month and bills are waiting. Mat-leave money is not the lottery. I'm thankful I even get anything and be able to breastfeed my baby to give him the best healthy start.
It's a limo taxi that comes. How rich. You take what comes out here in the sticks. I feel helpless again. In so many ways. I am exhausted with my 5am wake up as usual and should nap because I'm physically exhausted and I want to escape reality, if only for 20 minutes, but the mind won't STFU. So, I blog. And I pray.
I pray that he is safe. He will get better. That the Lord will work through the doctors/nurses hands to ensure his life. An infection to a healthy person is a few days sick. I don't want to think what this may result in. It can only be positive. He WILL come home. He WILL get better.
He needs to. I need him.
I thought it was because he was on the mend. But within 3 days things were just deteriorating. The first day we figured it was because he hadn't eaten i 5 days. But even after only 1/2 bowl of broth, he would be hurting.
Do we go. Don't we go. I wait for him to let me know. This morning he let me know. The ambulance will only take him to the closest one. And after 15-hr wait the last time, Franklin didn't want that as an option. He's in pain. Hasn't dialysized properly in days, and has fever. We call the Home Hemo clinic and speak to his amazing nurse Stella. Based on her assessment, it sounds like he has an infection. He should come down there.
My parents have taken my toddler out on their errands, so I should at least be thankful he doesn't have to see the ambulance people and all their equipment. Everyone else is at work or school. Franklin refuses the ambulance and we call a cab. $75 for calling the ambulance. $100 for the cab (one way). Who cares about the money, but it is on the back of my mind as we reach mid-month and bills are waiting. Mat-leave money is not the lottery. I'm thankful I even get anything and be able to breastfeed my baby to give him the best healthy start.
It's a limo taxi that comes. How rich. You take what comes out here in the sticks. I feel helpless again. In so many ways. I am exhausted with my 5am wake up as usual and should nap because I'm physically exhausted and I want to escape reality, if only for 20 minutes, but the mind won't STFU. So, I blog. And I pray.
I pray that he is safe. He will get better. That the Lord will work through the doctors/nurses hands to ensure his life. An infection to a healthy person is a few days sick. I don't want to think what this may result in. It can only be positive. He WILL come home. He WILL get better.
He needs to. I need him.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Balancing - Final Act (He's Home)
After a crazy 5 days documented in my Balancing series, Franklin is back home.
I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and love. I appreciate you reading our journey and trying to understand someone of the ups and downs that is our lives.
He was finally discharged. Not 100%, but at least he's not on morphine and can recoup at home. Don't get me wrong. I love that he is home. It has been an empty shell at home in the house and in my heart. But, when I wake up at 5:30am with baby 2, then baby 1 wakes up at 7am, having Franklin wake me to rub his back at 1am is just frustrating. The first night, I guess I'm just so grateful he's home and I don't mind. But by the second night I'm telling him to go sit in the Shiatsu Massage chair.
It doesn't help that just before this episode he fell hard twice on the ice and banged up his elbow. He had to be assisted off the ice. We went to the hospital for x-rays. It was so swollen his elbow looked disfigured. Plus it was the arm that has his fistula, so I wanted to ensure that his life saving vein was still working and not ruptured or anything. Then it was 1.5 weeks of "my arm...moan....".
Before the elbow episode The Husband stepped off the porch, missed the step while carrying baby 2 in his bucket car seat, and landed on his ankle. As I was strapping in our toddler all I hear is "THUD! FUKC!!!". I turn around to see the car seat safely on the ground and Franklin walking around swearing. Baby 2 is crying. Franklin is swearing. Our toddler is yelling at Franklin "Language Daddy! Language Daddy!". I get into triage mind-set. Assess the situation. Tend to the most injured. Check on baby 2. Open door for Husband. Go get Toddler. Now, off to another trip to the hospital. Another couple of weeks he needed to recoup.
The laundry piles. The groceries dwindle. The house could be more tidy. But, those things will get done eventually. You don't want to stress over it, but it's the one thing you do have control over and it's not getting done. His pain I can't do anything about. So household b.s. sits on my shoulders because at least I can do something about it. Watching my man in pain leaves me feeling helpless and useless. Silly. Probably. But, I think we strive to control the things we can and roll with the punches with the things we can't. There's so much that I can't control in our lives, I guess I over compensate with the things I think I have control over.
My husband is resilient. When he is on a good day, he is so happy, filled with jokes, and a great guy. He still wants to go skating. He still faces each day. I love him.
Bad things happen in threes. So hopefully, we have had our share and are set for good times ahead.
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
[polldaddy poll=4688007]
I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and love. I appreciate you reading our journey and trying to understand someone of the ups and downs that is our lives.
He was finally discharged. Not 100%, but at least he's not on morphine and can recoup at home. Don't get me wrong. I love that he is home. It has been an empty shell at home in the house and in my heart. But, when I wake up at 5:30am with baby 2, then baby 1 wakes up at 7am, having Franklin wake me to rub his back at 1am is just frustrating. The first night, I guess I'm just so grateful he's home and I don't mind. But by the second night I'm telling him to go sit in the Shiatsu Massage chair.
It doesn't help that just before this episode he fell hard twice on the ice and banged up his elbow. He had to be assisted off the ice. We went to the hospital for x-rays. It was so swollen his elbow looked disfigured. Plus it was the arm that has his fistula, so I wanted to ensure that his life saving vein was still working and not ruptured or anything. Then it was 1.5 weeks of "my arm...moan....".
Before the elbow episode The Husband stepped off the porch, missed the step while carrying baby 2 in his bucket car seat, and landed on his ankle. As I was strapping in our toddler all I hear is "THUD! FUKC!!!". I turn around to see the car seat safely on the ground and Franklin walking around swearing. Baby 2 is crying. Franklin is swearing. Our toddler is yelling at Franklin "Language Daddy! Language Daddy!". I get into triage mind-set. Assess the situation. Tend to the most injured. Check on baby 2. Open door for Husband. Go get Toddler. Now, off to another trip to the hospital. Another couple of weeks he needed to recoup.
The laundry piles. The groceries dwindle. The house could be more tidy. But, those things will get done eventually. You don't want to stress over it, but it's the one thing you do have control over and it's not getting done. His pain I can't do anything about. So household b.s. sits on my shoulders because at least I can do something about it. Watching my man in pain leaves me feeling helpless and useless. Silly. Probably. But, I think we strive to control the things we can and roll with the punches with the things we can't. There's so much that I can't control in our lives, I guess I over compensate with the things I think I have control over.
My husband is resilient. When he is on a good day, he is so happy, filled with jokes, and a great guy. He still wants to go skating. He still faces each day. I love him.
Bad things happen in threes. So hopefully, we have had our share and are set for good times ahead.
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
[polldaddy poll=4688007]
Homemade Play Dough (aka playdoh, plasticine)
The benefits of having your kids play with play dough is huge! They can play baker/scientist while you make it together, use their imagination, practice their dexterity, and create art, just to name a few.
Make it yourself and ensure it is nontoxic. You know they might eat some, have it all over their hands, etc
Ingredients:
3 1/2 cup white flour
1/2 cup salt
2 tablespoon cream of tartar (find it in the spice section)
1/3 cup oil
2 cups boiling water
food coloring or powder drink mix (i.e. kool aid)
Play dough will keep for a long time stored in a covered plastic container or plastic sandwich bag.
Note:
Art ideas:
Make it yourself and ensure it is nontoxic. You know they might eat some, have it all over their hands, etc
Ingredients:
3 1/2 cup white flour
1/2 cup salt
2 tablespoon cream of tartar (find it in the spice section)
1/3 cup oil
2 cups boiling water
food coloring or powder drink mix (i.e. kool aid)
- Mix flour, salt, and cream of tartar together in a big bowl
- Add oil
- Add food colouring or powder drink mix to boiling water and mix
- Add coloured water to flour mixture
- Knead dough
Play dough will keep for a long time stored in a covered plastic container or plastic sandwich bag.
Note:
- I like using powder drink mix because it gives it colour and a fruity smell
- Add additional smells by adding vanilla, lemon, etc oils (could try extract if you don't have oils)
- Try using rose water
- make several colours of play dough by omitting the colour to the water when following the recipe. Then separate the dough into several bowls and add food colouring drops to each bowl. And kneed dough to blend colour throughout
Art ideas:
- Roll out dough and use cookie cutters to cut out fun shapes. Add glitter like sprinkles on a cookie!
- Easy: Leave out your sculptures/cookie cutouts to dry and harden (can take a couple of days to weeks depending on size and thickness). Paint it. Glue stuff on, etc. It can crack, colour fades, etc
- If you have a special ornament/sculpture/etc preserve it with these steps
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Bald Baby - Do we do it?
Not sure if it's a Chinese thing or not, but the myth goes that if you shave your young baby's hair they will be left with thick beautiful hair as they grow up, particularly when they are older.
It's probably more myth than fact. Genetics would decide your likelihood of thin hair. But, since almost everyone in my family does it or has had it done to them, it seems like it's fact. One of my nieces had very thin hair when she was a baby. We were all 'concerned'. Her sister wasn't like that. We all have thick hair. It was decided to shave her head. She now has thick hair (she's a teen). Coincidence? Hmmm...
We shaved our elder son's hair. It is quite thick. My Husband's hair is also thick. My hair is fairly thick too. But, not all uncles on my side have thick hair. They say baldness is dictated from the mother's side. Yikes! We are going to shave Baby 2's head too. I have decided. Now, just to get The Husband on board.
I once lost all of my hair. Had to wear a wig. Had to get steroid injections to my head. I bought a really cute short blond bob cut wig. Hell, if I had to wear one, might as well have fun with it. It was 10 years ago. I was running my own business, I was working full-time, Franklin was in the hospital to have the surgery so he could do peritoneal dialysis and I was visiting him every day. The schedule was something like this - wake up to do my business. Go to work. Visit Franklin. Go home to do more business stuff. All the while worrying about my Darling. It was a crazy time. Even though I felt I could do it all, my body felt otherwise. Even though I was emotionally and physically drained, I really thought I could keep doing it for longer. I found out when I went to a hair cut and high lights (a girl still has to look good you know. Wish I was still so 'selfish' about my looks now!). The hairdresser found a circular bald batch on the left side of my head. It was a little bigger than a quarter. She suggested I hold off on the highlights until I found out what was happening. Good idea.
I was referred to a dermatologist. At first the receptionist said they were fully booked. I pleaded. Please, I am a young woman in my early 20s. Do you know how important hair is to feeling like a 'normal' woman? She squeezed me in. First it was creams. Then when that didn't work, came the steroid needles to the scalp. Little pricks. But, many of them. In the interim I was also seeing an Acupuncturist and boiling Chinese herbs. I was doing any song and dance it would take to get my hair back. Little do you realize what defines a woman. Her hair and her boobs. Superficial? Yes. But, when people look at you, that's the two things that define them.
My body was obviously saying something had to give. And if I wasn't going to make life changes, it was my hair that was going to 'give'. Franklin was back home. I decided to let go of my business. My hair started to grow back. Who knows which reason it grew back. Was it the steroids shots to the scalp? The acupuncture? The Chinese herbal soups? or letting go some of the responsibilities and stress?
Your body needs rest to repair itself. Stress is a killer to happiness and the body. Recognize when you are taking on too much and ask for help. I am still learning to 'master' that. You would think after so much I would know it by now. But, this is part of the reason I blog. I do read past posts and people's comments. I want to remember when I remember to take care of myself, when I forget to put myself on the list of priorities of things/people to take care of. Also, not to always put me at the bottom of the list either.
It's funny. I just re-read this blog post, and it initially started off with my idea of shaving baby 2's head. How did it end up with a note to myself to take care? The path and emotional journey that expressing yourself through writing will take you is one of self discovery sometimes.
Try it.
[polldaddy poll=4681482]
It's probably more myth than fact. Genetics would decide your likelihood of thin hair. But, since almost everyone in my family does it or has had it done to them, it seems like it's fact. One of my nieces had very thin hair when she was a baby. We were all 'concerned'. Her sister wasn't like that. We all have thick hair. It was decided to shave her head. She now has thick hair (she's a teen). Coincidence? Hmmm...
We shaved our elder son's hair. It is quite thick. My Husband's hair is also thick. My hair is fairly thick too. But, not all uncles on my side have thick hair. They say baldness is dictated from the mother's side. Yikes! We are going to shave Baby 2's head too. I have decided. Now, just to get The Husband on board.
I once lost all of my hair. Had to wear a wig. Had to get steroid injections to my head. I bought a really cute short blond bob cut wig. Hell, if I had to wear one, might as well have fun with it. It was 10 years ago. I was running my own business, I was working full-time, Franklin was in the hospital to have the surgery so he could do peritoneal dialysis and I was visiting him every day. The schedule was something like this - wake up to do my business. Go to work. Visit Franklin. Go home to do more business stuff. All the while worrying about my Darling. It was a crazy time. Even though I felt I could do it all, my body felt otherwise. Even though I was emotionally and physically drained, I really thought I could keep doing it for longer. I found out when I went to a hair cut and high lights (a girl still has to look good you know. Wish I was still so 'selfish' about my looks now!). The hairdresser found a circular bald batch on the left side of my head. It was a little bigger than a quarter. She suggested I hold off on the highlights until I found out what was happening. Good idea.
I was referred to a dermatologist. At first the receptionist said they were fully booked. I pleaded. Please, I am a young woman in my early 20s. Do you know how important hair is to feeling like a 'normal' woman? She squeezed me in. First it was creams. Then when that didn't work, came the steroid needles to the scalp. Little pricks. But, many of them. In the interim I was also seeing an Acupuncturist and boiling Chinese herbs. I was doing any song and dance it would take to get my hair back. Little do you realize what defines a woman. Her hair and her boobs. Superficial? Yes. But, when people look at you, that's the two things that define them.
My body was obviously saying something had to give. And if I wasn't going to make life changes, it was my hair that was going to 'give'. Franklin was back home. I decided to let go of my business. My hair started to grow back. Who knows which reason it grew back. Was it the steroids shots to the scalp? The acupuncture? The Chinese herbal soups? or letting go some of the responsibilities and stress?
Your body needs rest to repair itself. Stress is a killer to happiness and the body. Recognize when you are taking on too much and ask for help. I am still learning to 'master' that. You would think after so much I would know it by now. But, this is part of the reason I blog. I do read past posts and people's comments. I want to remember when I remember to take care of myself, when I forget to put myself on the list of priorities of things/people to take care of. Also, not to always put me at the bottom of the list either.
It's funny. I just re-read this blog post, and it initially started off with my idea of shaving baby 2's head. How did it end up with a note to myself to take care? The path and emotional journey that expressing yourself through writing will take you is one of self discovery sometimes.
Try it.
[polldaddy poll=4681482]
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Biggest Loser - Winning!
I'm not as swift to update my loses as I am my winnings.
Well, I lost last week. I gained a pound. He lost three pounds.
I won this week. I lost two pounds. He gained three pounds.
I have cheated. Eat too late at night. Had dirty bird (KFC). Double-double coffee. Missed my once-a-week Zumba session. Haven't rowed since the last time. Eat when I'm not hungry. Keep eating even though I'm full. That's why it's up and down. I'm not consistent with my workouts nor my eating habits. And it shows on the scale.
I am exactly down 10-lbs. So, it works out about a pound a week. I'm sure it could be more. Ah well. Slow and steady wins the race right? I can only hope that my brother's wife keeps making cakes. LOL.
Well, I lost last week. I gained a pound. He lost three pounds.
I won this week. I lost two pounds. He gained three pounds.
I have cheated. Eat too late at night. Had dirty bird (KFC). Double-double coffee. Missed my once-a-week Zumba session. Haven't rowed since the last time. Eat when I'm not hungry. Keep eating even though I'm full. That's why it's up and down. I'm not consistent with my workouts nor my eating habits. And it shows on the scale.
I am exactly down 10-lbs. So, it works out about a pound a week. I'm sure it could be more. Ah well. Slow and steady wins the race right? I can only hope that my brother's wife keeps making cakes. LOL.
Help or Burden?
My parents, Marcus' Godmother, my nieces, and my favourite brother (also, Marcus' Godfather) are my go-to people when I need help. They are there for us every time. I trust them completely with my children. I know they love them and us completely.
I feel so guilty asking for their help each time Franklin has a hospital stay. The last one was in October last year. So, it is fairly often. Often enough at least. Watching my kids for hours, day after day, or giving me drives, or picking Franklin up and driving him all the way home, visiting him in the hospital, including our family in their prayer groups, grocery shopping, feeding us, listening, and loving. The list is so much longer, but it hurts to say it all. Hurts, because I feel so ....guilty? I have to impose on them time and time again. And during the 10+years it's added up to a life time of payback I could never repay. I hate asking for help, but when Franklin's not feeling well I have to....again and again. I hate being a hindrance to their daily lives. I hate being an encumbrance each time I call for help.
I know they love us. They want to be there for us. They will help us if they can. No strings attached. They have NEVER said or done anything to make me question their unconditional help. But, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop they sigh when I call again for help. I can only do as much as I can on my own so I don't harass them more than necessary. Because our reality is that necessary will come again.
[polldaddy poll=4670029]
All of these emotions are stemming from the following saga, starting with Balance between Husband and Children.
I feel so guilty asking for their help each time Franklin has a hospital stay. The last one was in October last year. So, it is fairly often. Often enough at least. Watching my kids for hours, day after day, or giving me drives, or picking Franklin up and driving him all the way home, visiting him in the hospital, including our family in their prayer groups, grocery shopping, feeding us, listening, and loving. The list is so much longer, but it hurts to say it all. Hurts, because I feel so ....guilty? I have to impose on them time and time again. And during the 10+years it's added up to a life time of payback I could never repay. I hate asking for help, but when Franklin's not feeling well I have to....again and again. I hate being a hindrance to their daily lives. I hate being an encumbrance each time I call for help.
I know they love us. They want to be there for us. They will help us if they can. No strings attached. They have NEVER said or done anything to make me question their unconditional help. But, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop they sigh when I call again for help. I can only do as much as I can on my own so I don't harass them more than necessary. Because our reality is that necessary will come again.
[polldaddy poll=4670029]
All of these emotions are stemming from the following saga, starting with Balance between Husband and Children.
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