I'm not as swift to update my loses as I am my winnings.
Well, I lost last week. I gained a pound. He lost three pounds.
I won this week. I lost two pounds. He gained three pounds.
I have cheated. Eat too late at night. Had dirty bird (KFC). Double-double coffee. Missed my once-a-week Zumba session. Haven't rowed since the last time. Eat when I'm not hungry. Keep eating even though I'm full. That's why it's up and down. I'm not consistent with my workouts nor my eating habits. And it shows on the scale.
I am exactly down 10-lbs. So, it works out about a pound a week. I'm sure it could be more. Ah well. Slow and steady wins the race right? I can only hope that my brother's wife keeps making cakes. LOL.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Help or Burden?
My parents, Marcus' Godmother, my nieces, and my favourite brother (also, Marcus' Godfather) are my go-to people when I need help. They are there for us every time. I trust them completely with my children. I know they love them and us completely.
I feel so guilty asking for their help each time Franklin has a hospital stay. The last one was in October last year. So, it is fairly often. Often enough at least. Watching my kids for hours, day after day, or giving me drives, or picking Franklin up and driving him all the way home, visiting him in the hospital, including our family in their prayer groups, grocery shopping, feeding us, listening, and loving. The list is so much longer, but it hurts to say it all. Hurts, because I feel so ....guilty? I have to impose on them time and time again. And during the 10+years it's added up to a life time of payback I could never repay. I hate asking for help, but when Franklin's not feeling well I have to....again and again. I hate being a hindrance to their daily lives. I hate being an encumbrance each time I call for help.
I know they love us. They want to be there for us. They will help us if they can. No strings attached. They have NEVER said or done anything to make me question their unconditional help. But, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop they sigh when I call again for help. I can only do as much as I can on my own so I don't harass them more than necessary. Because our reality is that necessary will come again.
[polldaddy poll=4670029]
All of these emotions are stemming from the following saga, starting with Balance between Husband and Children.
I feel so guilty asking for their help each time Franklin has a hospital stay. The last one was in October last year. So, it is fairly often. Often enough at least. Watching my kids for hours, day after day, or giving me drives, or picking Franklin up and driving him all the way home, visiting him in the hospital, including our family in their prayer groups, grocery shopping, feeding us, listening, and loving. The list is so much longer, but it hurts to say it all. Hurts, because I feel so ....guilty? I have to impose on them time and time again. And during the 10+years it's added up to a life time of payback I could never repay. I hate asking for help, but when Franklin's not feeling well I have to....again and again. I hate being a hindrance to their daily lives. I hate being an encumbrance each time I call for help.
I know they love us. They want to be there for us. They will help us if they can. No strings attached. They have NEVER said or done anything to make me question their unconditional help. But, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop they sigh when I call again for help. I can only do as much as I can on my own so I don't harass them more than necessary. Because our reality is that necessary will come again.
[polldaddy poll=4670029]
All of these emotions are stemming from the following saga, starting with Balance between Husband and Children.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Balance Act III
The plan was to stay home. Do 5 loads of laundry, wash dishes, bake cookies with The Boy, take a nap, and watch movies. It started out o.k. Both kiddies slept in 1-hr longer than usual. They're tired too from all this. I call to check how The Husband is doing. Did he get dialysis? The nurse's response was "weren't you here yesterday?". What?!? That set me off! I still try to stay calm and explain that I was told in the morning he would be going in the afternoon, but he still hadn't received any when I left late afternoon. A curt "yes, he got it" was her response. Also, Franklin pulled out one of the tubes. WTF?? Why?! This b!t3h wasn't explaining anything.
I didn't want to bother W again considering everything she and my nieces have done for me. Niecey had plans today. But, fearing the worst I had to get down there. I would bring the baby in with me if I had to. I call W to ask her to drive down with me again. As much as I hate to burden her again and the guilt I feel, I put that all aside because I need to find out what's happening to my Darling! I woke her up (add another lbs of guilt) and explain the situation. I start crying. I am afraid of not knowing and thinking the worst.
She is a pillar of strength. She calms me down. Helps me line up what I need to get done so I can get going. Feed baby. Pump milk. Dress children. Arrange Marcus care. Did I eat? I wouldn't have even thought of that to even be put on the list! I am determined to get going.
I pack up the car and drive over to get W. I am ready to tear someone up! If anything has happened to my Darling the poor person who has to explain it to me will feel my wrath. Don't get it twisted. I may live in the suburbs now, but I done grow up downtown. I am angry and someone will pay.
To my surprise Niecey has canceled her plans and coming with us (add more lbs of guilt and burden). I push all my emotions of guilt, burden, fear, and anger aside. None of those emotions are helping matters. I feel empty.
As we drive down Franklin calls. His mom is there. He is o.k. He didn't even know he pulled out the tube. It's been put back. The journey to recovery continues.
I feel emotionally drained.
I didn't want to bother W again considering everything she and my nieces have done for me. Niecey had plans today. But, fearing the worst I had to get down there. I would bring the baby in with me if I had to. I call W to ask her to drive down with me again. As much as I hate to burden her again and the guilt I feel, I put that all aside because I need to find out what's happening to my Darling! I woke her up (add another lbs of guilt) and explain the situation. I start crying. I am afraid of not knowing and thinking the worst.
She is a pillar of strength. She calms me down. Helps me line up what I need to get done so I can get going. Feed baby. Pump milk. Dress children. Arrange Marcus care. Did I eat? I wouldn't have even thought of that to even be put on the list! I am determined to get going.
I pack up the car and drive over to get W. I am ready to tear someone up! If anything has happened to my Darling the poor person who has to explain it to me will feel my wrath. Don't get it twisted. I may live in the suburbs now, but I done grow up downtown. I am angry and someone will pay.
To my surprise Niecey has canceled her plans and coming with us (add more lbs of guilt and burden). I push all my emotions of guilt, burden, fear, and anger aside. None of those emotions are helping matters. I feel empty.
As we drive down Franklin calls. His mom is there. He is o.k. He didn't even know he pulled out the tube. It's been put back. The journey to recovery continues.
I feel emotionally drained.
Balancing Act II
No Zumba. No Swimming lessons. But at least I was going to go see him. All thanks to the time, generosity, kindness, patience, and unconditional love of Marcus' Godmother (W) and my parents. My parents would watch my toddler while W. would drive me down to see The Husband and wait in the car with the baby. I was able to have it all. See my husband in the hospital and not have the kids exposed to any germs at the hospital.
I had told one of his brothers that he was there and fortunately met him in the hall. We talked with Franklin about telling his mom. We chatted and joked it up a bit. It didn't help that one of the 'roommates' had the t.v. on as if they were in their own living room. Get a headset or turn it down! Jeeze. Also, he was still hadn't gone for dialysis. I tried to get him a semi-private, asked the nurses to help us defuse the issue with the roommate (since Frankie 'yelled' at them him the night before), and went to get him some drinkage (no food allowed. he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night!). Text comes in "baby's starting to melt down". I have to leave. Balance.
Off to my weekly family dinner. Home cooked meal. Hang with the fam. I call and tell his mom. She is thankful that I told her. I am lucky to have such a great mother-in-law. She has her 'annoying' bits, but who doesn't? It's a 'good' day. Well, good as it's going to get. When I go home, my brother offers to drive me and my car home. I say "it's ok. I've been doing it". He had the best answer "I know you have, but now you don't have to".
Read about the next day with Balance Act III post.
Or read how it all started with Balance between Husband and Children post.
I had told one of his brothers that he was there and fortunately met him in the hall. We talked with Franklin about telling his mom. We chatted and joked it up a bit. It didn't help that one of the 'roommates' had the t.v. on as if they were in their own living room. Get a headset or turn it down! Jeeze. Also, he was still hadn't gone for dialysis. I tried to get him a semi-private, asked the nurses to help us defuse the issue with the roommate (since Frankie 'yelled' at them him the night before), and went to get him some drinkage (no food allowed. he hasn't eaten since Wednesday night!). Text comes in "baby's starting to melt down". I have to leave. Balance.
Off to my weekly family dinner. Home cooked meal. Hang with the fam. I call and tell his mom. She is thankful that I told her. I am lucky to have such a great mother-in-law. She has her 'annoying' bits, but who doesn't? It's a 'good' day. Well, good as it's going to get. When I go home, my brother offers to drive me and my car home. I say "it's ok. I've been doing it". He had the best answer "I know you have, but now you don't have to".
Read about the next day with Balance Act III post.
Or read how it all started with Balance between Husband and Children post.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Balance between Husband and Children
The kids will win 99.9% of the time. But, it breaks my heart to do it.
Franklin woke me at 5am. "Babe, I'm in pain". Oh no. It was his day off of doing dialysis treatment (he gets two days off a week because his job is keeping himself alive with proper treatment). I call the ambulance and the roller coaster ride begins.
I leave the kids with my parents for 5-hrs. Then leave them with their Godmother for another 5-hrs. Franklin is at Emerg at the hospital up here for 15-hrs before they transfer him to the proper hospital. They have blinders on as soon as they hear dialysis. "We do not provide treatment for that here". No $h!t Sherlock! Treat the issue while you make arrangements to get him dialysis at the right hospital. Instead, it takes 8- hrs to finally get the go-ahead to transfer him to the right hospital, all the while only taking 1 x-ray and keep him pumped with narcotics for the pain. It takes another 7-hrs to finally transfer him. Note: Since it took so long, the dialysis treatment centre at the hospital is closed for the night and he will now be 2-days without treatment. Toxins, liquid level, and blood pressure is on the rise. His face, belly, and hands are already puffy.
I have been popping in and out a couple of times to feed my 5-month old and to transfer him between caretakers. He's not taking to the bottled breast milk that I've pumped which isn't much since I haven't pumped on the regular since the first month when I wanted Franklin to try to do some feedings. I keep telling myself to keep an emergency supply in the freezer. sigh. When I finally pick up the kids, both my loving ad indispensable go-to offer to take care of my toddler tomorrow if I need a break. My poor baby was crying a lot and very loudly with both of them.
I need to be there for m husband. To speak for him since he is on morphine every two hours. To rub his back with my reassuring touch. To feed him ice chips since he can't have food, hasn't had food in a couple of days, and he drank half a bottle of iced tea in one long gulp he was so thirsty.
But, how can I be there for him? Bring my 5-month old to spend hours at the hospital? Every instinct says (and everyone else also) it is not a good idea to do that. I agree. Especially when I was with him at Emergency and saw 3 rooms where anyone entering the room had to put on a mask, gown, and gloves to enter. Even the food server! What kind of airborne stuff do they have?! As a healthy adult, I might be o.k. but, I just cannot risk that with my baby. Or can I?
I am torn. It physically hurts to think of my husband drugged up at the hospital on his own. But, I just can't bring the baby down there. Baby wins. But, really, there are no winners here. We all pay the price of this horrible kidney failure.
I am afraid. My uncle passed away several months ago very quickly (1 week!) when he went to the hospital. He also had kidney disease. Franklin has been in hospital many times, but this time with new baby, uncle's recent death, and my 5am wake ups (with no naps during the day) for the last few weeks, I broke down and cried a bit. Sobbed actually. Red rimmed eyeballs, puffy lids, snot drippings, just a plain mess.
I've been sticking my head in the ground and refuse to acknowledge the death sentence we are living. Without dialysis he will die. It is slowly killing him too. The very thing that is saving him is killing him. I live in my bubble and pretend he will be here forever and we will share our golden years exploring the next chapter in our lives. It's the only way I know how to survive each day for the last 10+ years. But, right now with him in the hospital alone feels too bright and harsh. Too real. I want him home and I want to stick my head in the sand again. Ignorance is bliss.
Do I tell his mother? He says no. She will be upset. If I tell, he gets mad. If I don't tell she gets mad. This is not the first time I haven't told her of his hospital stay. I know as a mother I would want to know. But, what do I do as a wife?
I hate incompetent, cold-hearted medical "professionals", bureaucracy, shortage of beds in hospitals, and most of all Kidney Disease.
This sucks.
See the next day in Balance Act II
[polldaddy poll=4658202] [polldaddy poll=4658220]
Franklin woke me at 5am. "Babe, I'm in pain". Oh no. It was his day off of doing dialysis treatment (he gets two days off a week because his job is keeping himself alive with proper treatment). I call the ambulance and the roller coaster ride begins.
I leave the kids with my parents for 5-hrs. Then leave them with their Godmother for another 5-hrs. Franklin is at Emerg at the hospital up here for 15-hrs before they transfer him to the proper hospital. They have blinders on as soon as they hear dialysis. "We do not provide treatment for that here". No $h!t Sherlock! Treat the issue while you make arrangements to get him dialysis at the right hospital. Instead, it takes 8- hrs to finally get the go-ahead to transfer him to the right hospital, all the while only taking 1 x-ray and keep him pumped with narcotics for the pain. It takes another 7-hrs to finally transfer him. Note: Since it took so long, the dialysis treatment centre at the hospital is closed for the night and he will now be 2-days without treatment. Toxins, liquid level, and blood pressure is on the rise. His face, belly, and hands are already puffy.
I have been popping in and out a couple of times to feed my 5-month old and to transfer him between caretakers. He's not taking to the bottled breast milk that I've pumped which isn't much since I haven't pumped on the regular since the first month when I wanted Franklin to try to do some feedings. I keep telling myself to keep an emergency supply in the freezer. sigh. When I finally pick up the kids, both my loving ad indispensable go-to offer to take care of my toddler tomorrow if I need a break. My poor baby was crying a lot and very loudly with both of them.
I need to be there for m husband. To speak for him since he is on morphine every two hours. To rub his back with my reassuring touch. To feed him ice chips since he can't have food, hasn't had food in a couple of days, and he drank half a bottle of iced tea in one long gulp he was so thirsty.
But, how can I be there for him? Bring my 5-month old to spend hours at the hospital? Every instinct says (and everyone else also) it is not a good idea to do that. I agree. Especially when I was with him at Emergency and saw 3 rooms where anyone entering the room had to put on a mask, gown, and gloves to enter. Even the food server! What kind of airborne stuff do they have?! As a healthy adult, I might be o.k. but, I just cannot risk that with my baby. Or can I?
I am torn. It physically hurts to think of my husband drugged up at the hospital on his own. But, I just can't bring the baby down there. Baby wins. But, really, there are no winners here. We all pay the price of this horrible kidney failure.
I am afraid. My uncle passed away several months ago very quickly (1 week!) when he went to the hospital. He also had kidney disease. Franklin has been in hospital many times, but this time with new baby, uncle's recent death, and my 5am wake ups (with no naps during the day) for the last few weeks, I broke down and cried a bit. Sobbed actually. Red rimmed eyeballs, puffy lids, snot drippings, just a plain mess.
I've been sticking my head in the ground and refuse to acknowledge the death sentence we are living. Without dialysis he will die. It is slowly killing him too. The very thing that is saving him is killing him. I live in my bubble and pretend he will be here forever and we will share our golden years exploring the next chapter in our lives. It's the only way I know how to survive each day for the last 10+ years. But, right now with him in the hospital alone feels too bright and harsh. Too real. I want him home and I want to stick my head in the sand again. Ignorance is bliss.
Do I tell his mother? He says no. She will be upset. If I tell, he gets mad. If I don't tell she gets mad. This is not the first time I haven't told her of his hospital stay. I know as a mother I would want to know. But, what do I do as a wife?
I hate incompetent, cold-hearted medical "professionals", bureaucracy, shortage of beds in hospitals, and most of all Kidney Disease.
This sucks.
See the next day in Balance Act II
[polldaddy poll=4658202] [polldaddy poll=4658220]
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Work Spouse
You can have opposite sex work friends, but you need limits to keep the friendship appropriate.
Sharing issues about your marriage/relationship to your work husband/wife can just lead to trouble. You are better served by sharing your feelings with your REAL husband/wife and communicating with each other. I'm not a total idiot. Sometimes this 'sharing' just leads to more fighting. Well, that's what girlfriends/the guys are for. When you spend 40+ hours with this co-worker, which is probably more time than you spend with anyone else outside of your husband and kids, you need to have boundaries to keep all your relationships healthy. If you are confiding your fears and dreams to your work spouse that you wouldn't with you spouse, than you are having an emotional affair. Which can lead to a slippery slope of a physical affair.
Unfortunately, there are skanks and dirtbags out there that solely look out for the 'taken' man/woman. There are famous home-wreckers. Angelina Jolie is the first one that comes to mind. I agree that Jolie and Pitt seem happier than when Brad was married to Jennifer Anistan. But, if you are married, then you made a commitment to each other to work through all your issues. If you are attracted to another person other than your spouse, than you should stay away from them! Do not go for lunch and think it will not go anywhere. When lust is in the air, the combination of pheromones, hormones, and mutual attraction is dangerous. Mix in opportunity and forgetaboutit.
I've heard some people say "what?! can't I have friends?!?". Sure, but if you are spending time with this 'friend' that could easily be seen as a date, i.e. you went out for food and drinks, what do you think your answer to this 'friendship' should be? Your partner doesn't feel comfortable with your friendship, than you need to identify what the problem is. Are they jealous? Are they justified in being jealous? Is your friendship with this person worth the arguments, mistrust, and destruction of your relationship?
When you'd rather hang out every other day after work than go home to your family, what are you hiding away from? Get your butt home to your wife and kids!
[polldaddy poll=4641970]
Sharing issues about your marriage/relationship to your work husband/wife can just lead to trouble. You are better served by sharing your feelings with your REAL husband/wife and communicating with each other. I'm not a total idiot. Sometimes this 'sharing' just leads to more fighting. Well, that's what girlfriends/the guys are for. When you spend 40+ hours with this co-worker, which is probably more time than you spend with anyone else outside of your husband and kids, you need to have boundaries to keep all your relationships healthy. If you are confiding your fears and dreams to your work spouse that you wouldn't with you spouse, than you are having an emotional affair. Which can lead to a slippery slope of a physical affair.
Unfortunately, there are skanks and dirtbags out there that solely look out for the 'taken' man/woman. There are famous home-wreckers. Angelina Jolie is the first one that comes to mind. I agree that Jolie and Pitt seem happier than when Brad was married to Jennifer Anistan. But, if you are married, then you made a commitment to each other to work through all your issues. If you are attracted to another person other than your spouse, than you should stay away from them! Do not go for lunch and think it will not go anywhere. When lust is in the air, the combination of pheromones, hormones, and mutual attraction is dangerous. Mix in opportunity and forgetaboutit.
I've heard some people say "what?! can't I have friends?!?". Sure, but if you are spending time with this 'friend' that could easily be seen as a date, i.e. you went out for food and drinks, what do you think your answer to this 'friendship' should be? Your partner doesn't feel comfortable with your friendship, than you need to identify what the problem is. Are they jealous? Are they justified in being jealous? Is your friendship with this person worth the arguments, mistrust, and destruction of your relationship?
When you'd rather hang out every other day after work than go home to your family, what are you hiding away from? Get your butt home to your wife and kids!
[polldaddy poll=4641970]
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